Oh, Susana! (3)

[susana4]

Hi Susana,

I can relate. My H gives things and does things for people to make them like him. He idolizes my strength and ambition, yet resents me for it, even yesterday was complaining "you're so effing independent..." He doesn't feel like I accept him for who he is, but he won't define who that person is. Is looking for others to teach him about him, care about his point of view, nurture him, create stability (his words, not mine. Nothing I imagine adults actually expect of one another). But if you ask him what he thinks, he skillfully avoids doing anything but speaking in a father knows best tone of voice about everyone else's motivations and feelings. He said he didn't have room to be himself. Was always feeling like he was a disappointment. Was so stressed out around me.

There's a dynamic common for a lot of us on this board I think. Seems like most of us LBS are self described critical, controlling, over bearing as our spouses might have been underbearing. Ganb8te's thread on Rosenberg's giraffe ears was a huge turning point for me - and in Rosenberg's YouTube videos I also saw my H in his example of a "yes-saying Jackal" - the people pleaser who suddenly bolts bc he's stuffed his own feelings away for too long.

I couldn't find the video but I did read a bit about the giraffe/jackal. Interesting. I actually have Rosenberg's audiobook (bought for myself and H, I'm just starting and I don't know if H has - because one of my 180s is not 'fixing' things like this for him or being his memory) which I've heard a lot of good things about.

I can definitely see my H in that description - like he just stuffed his own feelings so much he didn't even realise they were there...till they all came spilling out! Will have a look at your threads too and catch up on your sitch Zelda.

In many of our situations, we experienced abuse and brought all our great coping skills to repeat familiar feeling dynamics. I realized thru DB and IC introspection I'd become a version of my father I hated, to exercise all that judgement upon my H, bc it felt safe to be on the other end of that instead of victim to it. I think that many 'strong' women, me, my friends with similar childhoods, become so strong we forget how to be vulnerable, how to say we need or want help - with anything!

This is some of the hardest stuff I think anyone can go through. You sound like you are doing all you can, and it's cliche, but everyone here gets stronger (and wiser hopefully) bc it ain't killing us! Hugs. Wishing you as much peace and happiness as you can find this week!

Zelda - thank you, this is so true and really hit home with me as hard as it is to think about. I have lived in fear for so many years of turning into my mother. I frequently asked H if he thought I had, and he always said no. But now I can see that I did in some ways, especially with the critical and controlling tendencies. It makes me so @*£$! angry because I spent several years in IC working on my issues with her, and I guess I thought I was "cured". I really had no clue that I would just repeat those dynamics, I thought that I was self-aware enough I wouldn't. Or that because I'd had C for it, I wouldn't. Or that H would tell me honestly (I don't know whether he was blinded to it too, or if he was just too much into people pleasing to say, he's made very few critical remarks of me ever). Or just that I wouldn't be blinded to it and would see it and stop myself.

But now, I am crying as I write this because I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of it. And terrified, because if I really did become like my abusive mother, and I were my H, I would never forgive me.