Seperated and she is with someone - I'm desperate

[sandi2]

Right, and if you get pulled into her drama, she will expect you to end any and all negative comments from your family or friends. This is her mess to clean up.

I want you to understand something, b/c you have been told to expect her to push your buttons. So when it happens, don't get all stirred up emotionally over it. It should be like being told a storm is coming your way. Take precaution, and don't be defeated that it lashed out. If you don't learn how to deal with her actions and reactions in an impersonal way, she will crush you. Be smart when dealing with a WAW.

Try to make some more progress in completing the book.

[vdubber]

Thank you Sandi. Yes I need to not let it get to me. I forced myself to get out of the house this morning and go get breakfast. I plan on getting through a good portion of DB book today so I can start putting things into practice. I need to get self mentally ready to deal with this next week. I appreciate you helping me utry to understand WAWs actions as my initial gut feel is still to react but I'm learning to hold back.

[vdubber]

Ok so today I screwed up and this should serve as a warning to others. My youngest son rode his bike to my house sayin older son wasn't answering texts from his mom. I said he was asleep as he was, gave my son a hug told him I loved him and he rode his bike back home. I knew W was trying to get a hold of older son to babysit as she asks him or i to do every Sunday she has kids. So I jump I'm shower and my phone starts exploding. I get out of shower and pounding on my door. I throw boxers and shirt on and it's W furious with me and yelling. I tell her she needs to leave but older son is now awake and comes out. I tell him his mom has been texting him and he needs to read and respond to her. He goes back in his bedroom. I make mistake of telling wife she is having affair. She storms off. Texting me that she hates me and will never come back so I need to move on. I guess she then texts my son and tells him about OM...He comes to me crying and we hug. I tell him I'm sorry he saw his mom and I arguing and that I love her and always will. He is angry with his mom and I just said I am sorry. She texts me to tell me she always did everything right and good and could never have an independent thought or feeling and now has to be independent or die so she is choosing independence.

On day 10 of NC and now all goes to sh*t. I made a huge mistake today.

[Wet]

Don't beat yourself up too much, vdubber. I understand the difficulty of being separated for over a year like you have been. The thoughts of your brain spilled out of your mouth?

So why do you think you confronted her today, besides the chaos of her frantically trying to reach s18?

[vdubber]

I guess I wasn't prepared for a face to face encounter and i let her anger provoke me. I should know better. She tells me my pushing or my ignoring makes no difference. It's heartbreaking to see my older son 18 hurting. And I let the anger I have over her having OM around the little kids get to me also. I feel like I did good for 10 days and today went backwards several months

[vdubber]

I'm still reeling from yesterday. I know to only believe 50% of what she says and does but the messages this morning are so discouraging as they sound absolute. I will continue to work on me but beginning to realize she is done.

From WAW:
I care about you. I respect you. I want you to be my friend, with out wanting to be my husband, or boyfriend. Because that will never happen. Until you acknowledge that you and I will never reconcile I cannot trust you, simply because you refuse to accept the truth of my feelings, my words.

[sandi2]

I tell him his mom has been texting him and he needs to read and respond to her. He goes back in his bedroom. I make mistake of telling wife she is having affair. She storms off. Texting me that she hates me and will never come back so I need to move on. I guess she then texts my son and tells him about OM...He comes to me crying and we hug

Are you meaning you told your S his mother is having an A? And you thought you were caught unprepared!

[vdubber]

Hi Sandi. No I didn't tell my son he was back in his room but I told my W outside when she left. He was upset as we were arguing. She apparently texted him later in the day and told him she is seeing someone. She told me outside she in not having an A as we haven't been married for years.

[Wet]

I am sorry your s18 had this thrown at him, and the pain he is going thru.

Yes, that is an interesting dynamic that the WAW feels that b/c of the separation with no relationship with the LBH that they feel they are not doing anything wrong, in your case her saying there is "no affair".

My WAW went thru the same thing. On the dating websites and FB she listed herself as "single", though we were separated and no divorce action pending. This really bugged me, and it wasn't until I accused her of committing "adultery" that she understood that she really wasn't "single". In my case, it came off as a judgmental attack, but I think it also helped my WAW see she was not acting properly.

Is there someone in your W's life that is giving her good counsel and helping her see things more clearly?

[vdubber]

Hi Wet. No my W doesn't have any influences in her life to my knowledge that are helping her see things clearly. Her friends and OM are from the bar she frequents and are all supportive of her new lifestyle. She said we are divorced and i can file if i need the piece of paper. I know she has to go down her path and find things out for herself but I don't think she understands what it is doing to her relationship with her older kids S18 and D22. She clearly feels she can not have independent thought and feeling with me in her life and I feel she is so in trenches with these friends and influences in her life that she could never get out of it.

sad as I love her and always will. I wish she could stop seeing me as the enemy..as an obstacle for her and realize what I and our family mean to her. How long does a MLC last as it's been 3 years. She has formed a new life with all new friends and there are very few traces of her old life and self anymore.

I want to have hope but I also need to be realistic that her values and morals have changed. It used to be even a couple months ago that she would text me and tell me she was depressed or to come over and just lay beside her..etc. now any troubles or needs she has are being handled elsewhere. She used to tell a mutual friend I deserved better than her...almost like she was punishing herself and forcing further down this path to force me to break free and find someone else. I want to have hope, I'm hoping others can somehow see a shred of hope in my story as I'm feeling very discouraged.