Oh, Susana! (3)

[Zelda09]

Hi Susana,

I can relate. My H gives things and does things for people to make them like him. He idolizes my strength and ambition, yet resents me for it, even yesterday was complaining "you're so effing independent..." He doesn't feel like I accept him for who he is, but he won't define who that person is. Is looking for others to teach him about him, care about his point of view, nurture him, create stability (his words, not mine. Nothing I imagine adults actually expect of one another). But if you ask him what he thinks, he skillfully avoids doing anything but speaking in a father knows best tone of voice about everyone else's motivations and feelings. He said he didn't have room to be himself. Was always feeling like he was a disappointment. Was so stressed out around me.

There's a dynamic common for a lot of us on this board I think. Seems like most of us LBS are self described critical, controlling, over bearing as our spouses might have been underbearing. Ganb8te's thread on Rosenberg's giraffe ears was a huge turning point for me - and in Rosenberg's YouTube videos I also saw my H in his example of a "yes-saying Jackal" - the people pleaser who suddenly bolts bc he's stuffed his own feelings away for too long. In many of our situations, we experienced abuse and brought all our great coping skills to repeat familiar feeling dynamics. I realized thru DB and IC introspection I'd become a version of my father I hated, to exercise all that judgement upon my H, bc it felt safe to be on the other end of that instead of victim to it. I think that many 'strong' women, me, my friends with similar childhoods, become so strong we forget how to be vulnerable, how to say we need or want help - with anything!

This is some of the hardest stuff I think anyone can go through. You sound like you are doing all you can, and it's cliche, but everyone here gets stronger (and wiser hopefully) bc it ain't killing us! Hugs. Wishing you as much peace and happiness as you can find this week!