Here are some boundary setting statements and enforcing them.
Boundaries are for YOU and for your own well-being. Boundaries are not controlling at all. Simply statements of actions, comments, or behaviors by the other person that are not acceptable. It is signaling and communicating to the other person what's happening and what you will do if they persist in their actions.
To get you started, you might want to read Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boundary: I will no longer let someone yell at me on the phone.
Enforcing a boundary: When someone starts yelling at me, I will calmly end the conversation. "Let's talk about this tomorrow when we can speak more calmly." "I don't like the names you are calling me. We can talk tomorrow." Then you hang up.. you don't wait for the person to say, "O.K., fine," nor do you get into a debate. You hang up. The person doesn't necessarily have to understand your position or agree with it. This isn't about communication right now. This is about your boundary. Two different things.
"I am not going to discuss or debate this with you."
"This is non-negotiable."
"I understand that you are upset. Perhaps we should discuss this later when we're both in a calmer state of mind?"
"I think I need to take a break from this conversation. I will talk to you some other time."
"Please don't speak to me like that. I really don't like it and it is hurtful."
"I've asked you not to speak to me like that. I love you very much but I don't let anybody speak to me like that."
"I don’t have to listen to this."
"I'm not obligated to justify myself to you."
"That is all I have to say on the matter."
“I’m not trying for one of us to be right or wrong, but for the relationship to be the best it could possibly be. I need XX."
“I’ve given this a lot of thought. I am learning more about myself and what I can and can’t do and what I need. And I need XX.”
“I understand you think it means I’m selfish. Still, I need XX.”
“I am not trying to be controlling. I am trying to be open and honest about how I feel. I need XX.”
“I’m not sure how to answer that. But what I do know is that things can’t go on this way. I need XX.”
“It is true that we don’t see things the same way. I wish we did, because this isn’t easy for me either. What I need is XX.”
"That's too big of a topic to tackle right now. We'll speak about it another time."
"I hear what you're saying. I'll consider it."
"You may do X. I have decided to do Y. There's nothing more to discuss."
"If you continue to yell/be abusive, I will hang up. I'm hanging up now."
"I know you're feeling low. I'm not in a position to be very supportive right now, however."
"I find that this conversation is pushing my buttons. I'm getting off the phone now. We can speak again later."
"Discussing this by phone seems to trigger a lot of emotion for us both. I will summarize things in an e-mail. We can resolve it that way."
"I'm not available by phone right now. Please e-mail me."
"I need to take a few days off from speaking about this. Let's talk on Friday."
"It is hard for me to keep my heart [or eyes, ears] open to you when you are yelling at me, and it is important to me to keep my heart [eyes, ears] open to you. If you cannot stop yelling at me, we will have to talk another time. I want to keep my heart [eyes, ears] open to you, and I do not know how to do that when you are yelling, so I am going to hang up and talk to you another time."
