Oh, Susana! (3)

[susana4]

Hi Susana,

I have a H who is a complete people pleaser. In fact, with the exception of one of your bullet points (#4) - is what my H would complain about me/our R word for word.

Oh man Calibri, I just started reading your sitch (your first few posts) and it sounds SO much like my H. So much! Well, without the sudden anger issues (wtf?!). But everything else, yes - the sudden flip, seemingly happy and then out of NOWHERE saying he wasn't, saying he couldn't be himself, didn't know who he was etc.

Also, H never said I was controlling but I have started to realise I was. Something you wrote that really hit home with me -- " with all the crappy things that have happened to me, I want to control the things in my life. My eff'd up thinking: If I can control it - then nothing bad will happen to me again."
Oh yes...definitely think that way too. And it really doesn't make sense.

It sounds like he doesn't know who he is.

^^^^This. I think this is the root of it. Not saying there aren't other issues on both sides, but this is the big problem.

Just after BD he told me he was jealous because I was so self-aware (ironic because BD made me question everything I thought I knew about myself and my life), and he "knows nothing about himself." He said he doesn't know his feelings or opinions on ANY topic. I find that mind boggling! And also sad.

So I totally get what his journey is. And I hope he makes it to a place where he knows himself better. But it does really suck.

Most people pleasers don't (all though some may disagree). I understand the guilt. But what I've been learning is that I can't take on the guilt for other people's choices. I can only work on the guilt/feelings associated with my own.

Good luck to you.

Thank you.