Utterly Gutted Part 2

[susana4]

How are you doing Frank? When do you leave for your trip?

Hi Susana

Laying low right now. Wife is away visting a childhood friend so i'm just trying to relax. I leave next saturday for 2 weeks, i guess these pills work because i'm not stressed at all about flying. before these pills i'd be going nuts thinking about it.

That's good. Really glad to hear it! Enjoy your time relaxing, and make sure to do some stuff for yourself!

[Frank75]

How are you doing Frank? When do you leave for your trip?

Hi Susana

Laying low right now. Wife is away visting a childhood friend so i'm just trying to relax. I leave next saturday for 2 weeks, i guess these pills work because i'm not stressed at all about flying. before these pills i'd be going nuts thinking about it.

That's good. Really glad to hear it! Enjoy your time relaxing, and make sure to do some stuff for yourself!

Thanks, i just relaxed and watched hockey the whole time

She came back yesterday and said hello, gave me a hug and pretty much stayed in the bedroom but didn't bring ANYTHING up about "us".

I know i'll get in trouble for bringing this up because it's about her but i'm starting to think this whole thing might be related to depression or something. I was googling depression for myself and i started finding a lot of stories very similar to my situation. I'm not saying i'm not to blame for everything, but it seems like depression is just a multiplier for bad feelings. I go back to the doctor on friday so i might ask her for some advice.

Oh and my wife has suffered with bouts of depression (untreated) since i've known her, but i never knew the full extent of it. I always just thought it was being sad/laying in bed. I never knew how bad it could be in terms of relationships.

I'm not taking any blame off of myself and i'm still working on making myself a better person. Things make a lot more sense now though how being occasionally unhappy morphed into something this big.

[susana4]

Frank, I'm a little confused, are you saying your depression or your wife's depression? Or both?

If you think she's depressed - is she getting treatment? Is she aware of her problem?

Unfortunately if she's not seeking treatment, she'll really need to realise that for herself and seek it... I know how hard it is watching someone you love suffer, because right now I am watching my H spiral with his drinking, but unfortunately we can't make them go get help... It's just something they have to (hopefully) realise for themselves. I hope your wife is getting or does get some treatment.

[sandi2]

Depression can be serious enough to cause people to commit suicide.

[susana4]

Oh and my wife has suffered with bouts of depression (untreated) since i've known her, but i never knew the full extent of it.

Sorry I've just read this. Your say her depression's untreated - is she aware of her depression? Has she ever had treatment before?

[Frank75]

Sorry for being unclear, I was talking about her depression. She's always gone through "low" phases since I've known her. She has never been to a doctor at all for it, and never been on any type of medication. I never knew the depth and scope of depression though.

She's very defensive about it, and at this point in time I have no idea how to even bring it up without her trying to think i'm blaming our entire situation on depression.

From everything i'm reading though, it seems like depressed people see the world through a negative filter and often times project their unhappiness onto other things like their SOs/marriages.

We don't have a perfect relationship, not by far but this could explain a lot of our issues. Especially since this divorce request came at a time when she was totally stressed/depressed about work, and about our dead dog.

[sandi2]

From everything i'm reading though, it seems like depressed people see the world through a negative filter and often times project their unhappiness onto other things like their SOs/marriages.

I think it is more complicated than just having a negative attitude. The negative thinking comes from being so depressed.

[susana4]

She's very defensive about it, and at this point in time I have no idea how to even bring it up without her trying to think i'm blaming our entire situation on depression.

Definitely avoid anything that hints of blaming the situation on depression, it won't help you and it won't help her either. Separate the situation and the depression in your mind. Do you think she might be at risk of harming herself? If so, then you need to figure out a way to get help.

If not, then you might be able to figure out a way to get her to seek treatment but it sounds like it would be hard if she's defensive. And it's hard to do this without coming across as pushing. Speak to your doctor or have a look around online for how to address this.

[Frank75]

I think it is more complicated than just having a negative attitude. The negative thinking comes from being so depressed.

Yeah, i guess i wasn't clear. The depression causes some people to not see things clearly. Like she might in her mind really see me as some monster when in reality i might not be. But that's her brain's way of dealing with the depression.

She's very defensive about it, and at this point in time I have no idea how to even bring it up without her trying to think i'm blaming our entire situation on depression.

Definitely avoid anything that hints of blaming the situation on depression, it won't help you and it won't help her either. Separate the situation and the depression in your mind. Do you think she might be at risk of harming herself? If so, then you need to figure out a way to get help.

If not, then you might be able to figure out a way to get her to seek treatment but it sounds like it would be hard if she's defensive. And it's hard to do this without coming across as pushing. Speak to your doctor or have a look around online for how to address this.

Good idea, I haven't brought up anything to her yet. I have a doctor's appointment on friday so i'm going to ask the doctor for opinions on what to do.

Yesterday she was in bed until like 1pm, then got up and went to work and "tried" to quit again. This is like the 10th time she's tried to quit this job but they guilt her into staying. The similarities between this job and our marriage is what's getting me. Like she can't quit her job so she's redirecting this stress onto us and quitting me instead. That's my armchair psychologist opinion anyway

[Frank75]

And this morning she's in a great mood, sat in the living room all day while i worked, talked to me, etc. This is the day after she was told she could cut her hours back and do most of her work from home.

No stress - happier wife. Coincidence or am i looking too hard into this stuff? She hasn't been like this for almost a month