So, I've been thinking about this over the last couple days and see where I think my anger is coming from. Of course, anger is a manifestation of fear, so I have to look at what I'm fearful about. Like I said, I know that I'm going to be okay on the other side of this with (hopefully) be loved by my W or by someone else. I look through that and while I'm lonely, crave affection and well some other things as well; that piece is not what's making me angry.
What's making me truly angry is that W has made a decision that affects MY relationship as a father to the kids. That's what I'm fearful about, only spending half of the kids lives with them. That's the short of it.
So, this is also where my faith needs to come into play. I guess I'm a lot more opening to leave my marriage to God, but I'm struggling to leave the decisions about the kids to him. I have backed down, I was all out going to fight for custody for them in the beginning, but I see that's not best for them at all. Now that W seems to be more focused on being a Mom, that makes it even easier.
So, I guess I look at this more from an aspect of my family, and not just my marriage.
I know its the past, but I've always wanted to have kids, even in my early 20's. My brother had kids young and said to me once that he wouldn't change it, but he didn't feel he had time for himself and his W when they wanted to be (he's D now.) Well, W wasn't sure about kids when we got married. When she asked me if that was an issue, I said that was fine; lets see what life brings us. Well, we made it through our 20's and then one day she brought home a painting of a little girl. She said it spoke to her. I realized that she was then ready to start trying.
Well, just like everything in my life, I figured it would be easy to get pregnant and it was. Within a few months my W was pregnant, but then we lost the baby at 12 weeks. So, we tried again and lost another at 8 weeks. So, we tried the fertility centers and found out that W needed to take blood thinners (via a shot in the stomach everyday.) So we finally got pregnant with S5 and it seemed like, to me that these trials helped us realize together that this is the next phase of our lives.
So fast forward 4-5 years and I saw that we were establishing quite the good family life from my standpoint. We had our ups and downs, but we definitely were a good team, good parents and loved our kids. However, given what's happened in the last year, I look back and see that my W had issues and didn't express them to me. (Once she said that she was unhappy 8 months prior to BD) It seemed like we balanced each other out, not too much stress, and so on. Well, now that I look back; I see that my W was always trying to get away. She would drop the kids off at daycare and do her own thing (an also hang out with OM.) I tolerated it, because I knew that she needed her time; but it always bothered me a little.
Anyway, I look at what she's done now and just feel so betrayed, not just in marriage, but to our family. I would do ANYTHING to protect my family (W included,) but I'm just so disappointed that there's nothing I can do about our M or keeping our family together through this. Her continuing to prevent/avoid us from doing that is where I just don't feel I'm ready to forgive. It feels like I can forgive the past, but am having trouble forgiving her in the present.
Anyway, I see that's where my anger is coming from. I think if I get to the point that I have acceptance that there's nothing I can do for the kids; I'll get better. Its still a horrible piece of life that I don't even get a chance to fight for them. However, I'm still so very fearful of only spending half their lives with them. I just wish we could at this try to work on our M, especially since everything seems to be fixable.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
