Can you and the kids go to mom's this weekend coming up?
Force yourself to pretend XH does not exist.
Heal yourself, you have a D13 watching you very closely,,what do you want her to see? FORGET about your XH!
TRY not to dwell on him anymore!!!
You dont have to run and hide, stand tall and proud YOU did nothing wrong!
Make sure your kids know NOT every man is like this, let them know dad maybe going thru something and he loves them, and that it will take time for everyone to find their new normal.
Take the high road, LOVE YOURSELF, show your kids how to raise above...move on.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Take those kids away for the weekend! And get D13 involved in planning a vacation for spring break. I know money is tight, but honestly, for $1500 on your credit card you could take them somewhere for a nice break. I do NOT approve of credit card debt but if ever there was a time for it, this is it.
Start looking into thrifty vacations that they could both enjoy.
As hard as it is for you to have this in your face, it's gotta be even harder for D13 who is probably hearing about it from her classmates.
Yesterday xh stopped at the house to see how the interview went with s17. I was surprised he stopped. Only came to the door (s17's phone broke... again).
I was nice, but pretty much stayed in the other room, except asked about a tax paper that came in about the business.
We had just gotten pizza- and of course I didn't offer or anything.
I am doing it, guys. I really am. I am in the process of letting go. It is hard, but I am.
I kind of get the reason of, "Believe none of what they say and half of what they do." Because it all comes from confusion. And until action takes place- words are meaningless. I did what I needed to do today- with words, even though it is heart wrenching. So I can see the difficult in that... saying things you don't mean. I mean them, but it isn't necessarily what I want. However, I know what I want and what is reality are two different things.
So later, last night, xh texted me about s17. And I told him I wanted him to transfer the air miles he agreed to onto my account (in our agreement since I used his card instead of mine forever... and he was supposed to transfer on an agreed amount- hasn't happened). He started making a big deal about it. I wasn't even going to go back and forth. I said, "good night."
Today he texted and said, "So are you going on a trip?"
We had talked last month about all going together (I said he needed his own room but it was fine.) on a family trip.
Anyway... I thought about it for a few hours.. about how to respond. I am not at all comfortable to go back and forth, talk like friends, or do any of the nonsense that has happened.
I have to end it. Totally. Cut it off. I have to. It's the only way I can do this.
I thought carefully about how to respond. Wrote if a couple of times. Walked away. Came back. Revised.
I kept it as simple as possible. I said that I was sorry, but I was no longer able to communicate with him bc it is just too difficult. That he has made a choice and I have to let him go. That I don't want any drama, just peace. I will most likely sell the house for a new start for me and d13. I appreciate all that he has done for me for 20 years. I will cherish the family memories. Please honor the points you agreed to.
That's the crux of it.
Dead air. Nothing. Not that I expected it.
I feel better. It was hard, but good. I did it the way I feel the most comfortable I could about this. I'm not going to analyze what I sent, bc, well... it's sent. It was a clear as I could have been... while still being me.
I feel more in control of myself. It gave me a little power back. I am in control of me, and no one else.
I would think of him being there. The lies. The betrayal. The fact that there is this other person that has made such an impact in my life- and it never should have. That I may possibly be Plan B is not ok with me. There should have never been an option.
Thinking about how messed up this sitch is gives me a little more motivation to move along my path. To get going.
I know I will have ups and downs. Setbacks. But I feel like this time around, this is my first real step to getting back on the Mighty train.
My heart is heavy. My stomach is on fire. My chest is tight. But, I do feel better. And I know it will all ease over time. I know this because it has in the past. I can't wait for the day when it is totally gone.
I am beginning to slowly accept what it. Whatever it is!
Oh Mighty - What a brave decision you made for yourself. I can imagine that it must have been very difficult but getting to know you through your posts I think you've known what you needed to do for awhile now. Some true space may be the best gift you can give to yourself right now.
I can't imagine how difficult it was but you said you do feel better. Hold onto those words and know you have plenty of people here that support you 100%.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Thanks, Gwen. It was difficult, but I remember months ago how much better I felt when I had a different perspective. I'm getting that back. I'm not a victim. It's all a matter of circumstance. With the house renos and everything- it's just the cards I've been dealt.
I've reached some serious frustration points with the overwhelming amounts of work now needed here and the amount of $ to put into it, but overall, I just think of it as something I need to take care of.
Anyways....
When I got to d13's game tonight, I planned on sitting right up at the top of the bleachers... out of the way. Xh was there when I got there. He is NEVER there before me. NEVER! He must have left work early. I knew it would be weird and he wouldn't know whether to sit with me or not, so I know he left work on purpose to get there. He sat in the spot we have sat together for years. I just smiled and said hi as I was walking past. He said to come here. I asked what. He said to just sit down. I did and asked what. I thought he needed to maybe say something about the taxes or air points or something.
He just told me not to be like that and to sit with him. I just explained to him that he made a choice. That he allowed this young girl to come into my life and help destroy it. That his actions are something that I am not OK with. (In the meantime, they were announcing the team all loud and sang the National Anthem- couldn't they wait for me? Don't they know who I am?)
I said that he is not my friend and that I am no longer going to be part of his life. I cannot live like that. I was his wife and he chose to be with someone else. He feels that she is more important to him and that's his choice. He kept looking like he wanted to say something, but wouldn't (But also like, yes, I did chose someone else). He paused and I waited. He said nothing, but was looking like he was thinking about what to say. Finally I asked if he had anything to say. He said, "No, I don't have anything to say, Mighty." I just said OK. Bye. And I walked away. Went to my spot and sat. I wasn't mean or nasty. Just to the point. For awhile my heart was racing and glub, blubing. But after awhile, I felt better and more confident. More comfortable with my decision.
I came home from the game and got into the shower. As I got out, I heard the door bell ring. Guess who?? I heard s17 say, "Awww $hit." (He saw who was at the door and was talking to himself. I know the feeling.) I didn't come out of the bathroom- I was staying away. But xh asked s17 if he wanted to go to the gym (He was like yelling it so I'd hear or something). Uhhhhh... s17 has refused to work out with xh since he took the gym equipment out of the house a year ago. (Hww didn't like xh working out here with s17- we later found out). S17 had his second interview tonight.
Xh went to the gym and just stopped back over after! I'm like wtf! I had to go unlock the door in the garage. I asked what he was doing. He said he wanted to see how s17 did in the interview. I told him he needs to stop popping in like this. Then I told s17 his dad was there to see him and I left the area until he was gone.
I remember back months ago how empowering it felt to cut him off. I mean, like, kind of deny him. Not like he was trying to get with me, but I didn't engage in the nonsense. It felt really good. I sensed then that maybe that was part of it for him- to be able to reject someone. That he had options. That he had two people "pining" for him. When I shut down the garbage, it was great.
Now, I know he is not trying to get back in, but it feels so much better to let him know that I'm not waiting in the wings for him. That I'm not on standby.
Another process. It's gonna be awhile. Things are still gonna sting. And I can't imagine a time when some of this stuff won't still hurt.
But I'm walking. I'm doing me. And it feels darn good to know that.
You did it in a way that was true to who you are. Nothing at all wrong with that.
I know this hurts so much. I am sorry it does. Please hold onto knowing that you will not always feel as you do now.
Standing for Mighty is never wrong.
You are showing your children what it means to respect yourself and how to handle life's tough stuff with courage and dignity. What a wonderful gift to them.
You will have setbacks and your emotions will be all over the place for a bit. Be kind to yourself, M.
One day you will feel a little better, then the next and the next.
The important thing to remember is that you have taken back control of your life. You have made a decision to let him go. You may have to make that decision several more times before it sticks, but, you will get there.
The way to peace is to be good with your decision. Its to understand that though you love him, you love you, too.
Thank you, uR! I hope to sleep well tonight! D13 been sleeping with me all week. The last few days are the fist real signs she has shown of struggling. I think she is feeling the abandonment more so now, especially now knowing he has another d he is with. I am so glad to have found footing and regaining strength for her.
