Thread 11 locked and so on to thread 12. I think now might be the time to accept my situation won’t be resolved with a quick apology and promise to do better.......
Here is the link to the last thread. At some point I'll put together a post that has links to all the previous ones
as is sort of customary this thread starts with the 10p tour of my situation to bring you up to speed without having to go through the 1100 (ish) posts on my previous threads. If you do you'll find some really good advice, though not all of it I was ready to hear at the time.
Relationship situation as it stands My wife moved out 3 weeks ago into a house she has purchased, with the money I gave her as part of a (hopefully) final financial settlement. We share custody of our 2 young kids with a pattern that gives me 6 nights out of 14. In everything except the legal paperwork we are divorced.
There are a few child related issues to be resolved, that aren’t big but at same time could become really contentious points (for example where they are registered for doctors etc.)
we have limited contact although we see each other for child handovers twice every 14 days. and if the kids swimming lessons are on that leads to 2 more handovers each week. A few text message exchanges but they are to do with a couple of practical separation issues otherwise its pretty low contact. A couple of logistics things to do with handover times, a medical thing for D3 and a few seperation 'issues' to resolve. In all maybe 10 brief and unavoidable text conversations.
My wife seems to have a preference for as little contact as possible and feels quite cold and/or hostile when I do see/speak to her. I’ve tried to be friendly and positive but this may need to change to be more distant.
I do know that my wife blames me for her unhappiness and feels that I have not been fair in the financial settlement (not my view). From what I know of what she has said to others it paints a very unpleasant picture of me and unsurprisingly one I don’t agree with.
Throughout the period since BD there has been an on/off thing with OM1 (OM1s choice) and at this time I don’t know whether this is currently on or off.
Background BD was 5 months ago, though my wife says she made her decision a few months before that but knew she was going to leave me for almost a year before. Either way she has been pretty miserable at home for getting on for 3.5 years out of a 6 year relationship. I will say that I was also not satisfied in our relationship as I felt my wife was very distant and closed off.
There are various reasons for this which I’ve explained at length in my previous threads but the short version is that we went through a really rough period in the year after D3.5 was born and we never recovered from that. I would say that there were a couple of huge errors followed by a lot of misunderstanding, poor communication, assumptions and unmet expectations (of the kind described in so many books), she would say that its entirely my fault.
Me I’m doing ok, I’m trying to be the best dad and best man I can be. I’m slowly making my house my own and am fine on everything domestic (not that domestics were ever a worry).
Plenty of changes that I need to make to me which are all previously documented, but I cant say if that’s everything because I still don’t fully understand some of my wife’s complaints about me or possibly even know about some of them and so worry I missing something massive. I’m making progress on some of my changes but some are easier than others.
I do still have a fair bit of anger which is mainly a mix of hurt ego, a sense if unfairness about it all, loneliness and frustration at the helplessness I feel. I’m trying to let it go but it is still there.
I am finding that just being more aware of my emotions is helping as is the reading I’ve been doing. IC is also helping quite a lot.
I’m still way too attached to my wife and her moods and spend far too long thinking about her and my situation. I still want to reconcile with my wife but that feels increasingly unlikely and so I’ve started thinking more and more about my future without her.
I will say that outside of my relationship and the impact this situation has had, I’m pretty happy with my life. I’d like to be fitter and I’d like to be less financially constrained but I’m doing pretty good.
So that’s where I’m at. Anything else you want to know let me know.
Thank you for continuing to read and offer your thoughts and advice. Also thanks for sharing your own situations on your own threads because I take a lot from those as well.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
