This can't be the end! #2

[Barry]

I've had such a bad weekend guys. I need to tell you about it, but so much of it goes against every DB rule though.
I'm so disappointed with myself and am in such a bad place right now.

I had some text exchange with W on Saturday morning. We said hi, both asked how the other was (that's a first since BD for her), I said have a good night out with her workmates, and enjoy niece's birthday party on Sunday, she said thanks, and told me to have a good w/e too. All very friendly so I left it there.

I know the workmates, in fact ive known them since they were kids, they're all at least 10 years younger than her. One of them, I had a feeling would post pics on FB and stupidly I looked around 10:30pm. There were some from the friends house and some when out. One of the ones in the house got to me a bit. It was with her friend and it was the way her make-up was done (sparkly eye liner, smoky eyes, all very sexy), she looked amazing. She had a small vest top on (bearing in mind it's about -3 outside at the moment), which shows off her recent tattoos. New jewellery (no w ring), hair dyed and preened. She looked transformed. She also had her tounge seductivly poking out of the side of her mouth, but it was the look in her eyes that worries me the most, a real "come and get me" look. My description doesn't do the photo justice in how different & vibrant W looked.

I was at my sisters at the time, and she saw me looking at that pic, and asked to see it. She could guess what I was thinking about it too. I said to Sis that I was worried about it, as she was going to be out on the town, 3 o clock in the morning, at a club, looking like that, drunk, with people 10 years younger than her, separated, no wedding ring on, not in love with her husband, feeling free and liberated, no sex in 10 weeks, and with that "come get me" look on her face. Yes, I was worried.

I'm not saying for one moment that my W has turned into someone who would sleep with someone on a first date, or that she would do anything other than have a night out, and of course she's going to dress nice, we all do, and her friends were too. She may not even kiss anyone, it's more that with the male attention she will get (trust me, she's a really attractive woman), it opens the door to her meeting an OM, who is NOT her (route of all her problems) husband, feeling flattered of the attention, even if it's an exchange of number, it's a slippery slope.

I know what I should have done is tried not to think about it, but I find that difficult to do, as I said recently, I'm really having a problem in detaching.

I sent W a message saying that I knew was only out with her friends but to be careful, because she looked amazing tonight and would obviously be getting attention. I said to remember that we're married, sent her the photo, and even said that she did have a real "come get me look" on her face, and that I was worried about us. I sent this on something where you can see when the messages are delivered and read. It was all delivered.

I called my S20 to see if he was staying at out house (he sometimes does on a Saturday) and no he wasn't. He asked why and I basically told him all of the above. He said not to worry etc, but I told him I couldn't help it. He said to text my S18 (who lives at home but often stays with friends on a Saturday) to see if he was home. I did, and he was staying out too, he also said that my S13 was staying at a friends too. That just leaves my D15.

Anyway, I was in such a mess with all these thoughts of her doing something stupid, or potentially taking an OM home that I walked round and hid where I would be able to see and hear when she came home. This was at 1am. I know, this makes me sound crazy, and I think I might be, or having a breakdown or something.

As it turned out, my S18 did come home in the end. He text'd me to say he was back (I had my phone on silent as where I was, he would have heard it go off inside the house), and I asked him to let me know if he heard from his Mum. He said he would but why was I asking, so I told him too. I know I shouldn't have said this to either of my sons, but I was in such a state.

Anyway, I stood there for the next 2 hours until she came home, by taxi with the girls. She still hadn't seen my messages, but looked at them as she was staggering up to the front door, really drunk. She didn't reply. She went in and was talking to my S18, and which I could hear every single word of from outside the window.

She asked him if I had been texting him, and that she's had messages off me saying that she was basically "out on the pull" for an OM, and she said that she wasn't or hadn't done anything at all. She started to tell my S that she was so sorry that she was doing this to our family, but my S doesn't want to talk about it with her as it upsets him. He feels like she's always just trying to justify it to him and convince him it's all for the best. None of us think that though.

He text'd me to say she was home, and that she hadn't done anything and to go to sleep and not worry. I said thanks and then text'd my W to tell her I didn't mean that she would have done anything, it was just that I was worried about her meeting someone. I could hear her reading my messages aloud as I'm stood not 3 feet away on the other side of the window!! She said she was home fine and that she wasn't trying to be horrible to me. I said I knew that, and that I didn't think she was horrible and that I love and miss her.

She was talking to my S18 for a while, very very drunk, and saying how horrible she was to be doing all this etc. She had planned on net getting too drunk as she had to drive some distance on Sunday to niece's birthday party. She was running through all the drinks that she'd had to my S18, it was a lot, and she was saying that her "friends" had been encouraging her.

She was asking my S18 to try to help her sober up, so he was making her drink lots of water, then at 03.45am, she asked him to go and get her a burger and chips. Being a doting son, he agreed to go for her bless him. As soon as he went out the door, she was on the phone to the friends she's been out with, running me down into the ground about the messages I'd sent her (there was no sound of the person she'd just been when talking to my S18). I could hear part of the other persons half of the call too as she had them on speakerphone but the tv was quite loud so I couldn't catch it all. The tone of voice said enough for me though, they were all running me down about these messages.

Anyway, my S18 gets home with the food, and I wait to listen if anything else is said. It wasn't and she soon after went to bed. I waited until she was in bed before going home at 05.00am. I was distraught that I'd allowed myself to work myself into such a state that I was standing around in sub-zero temperatures, stalking my W, and messaging her in the middle of the night with things like I miss you, I love you, everything I shouldn't be doing....all based on one picture of her on FB. What a mess.

So anyway, Sunday morning, I didn't really know what to do as I knew that she was going to be hung-over, and had to drive a long way on the motorway. I messaged her again, saying sorry about the texts last night, I shouldn't have done that and that I was just so worried about the whole situation. I said to make sure that she was safe to drive, even if that meant leaving a lot later.

My Mum came into my room with a drink for me, and I totally broke down to her, and told her all of the above. She's so worried about me, because she can see the torment and anguish that I'm going through. She asked me if I wanted her to try and speak with my W (without saying that I knew she was), but I said not to. I tried to sleep again as I hadn't had much.

Regarding the sleeping, I've really had problems with it lately, and even when I do manage to sleep, in my dreams we're still together and then I wake up in my tiny room, in a single bed, and it all comes crashing down on me again and again that my life is in tatters. Mornings are a bad time for me.

After a while, I decided to go out on a run. I started out on my usual route which takes me out into the countryside, but which also goes past the bottom of our street (not past my house). I could see that W's car was gone but my S18's was there. I text'd him and he was on his own so I went round to see him. I apologised for texting him so much the night before (obviously didn't mention that I'd been 3 feet away at the time), and said that it was out of worry for the situation. He said it was fine. Even though I know I'm putting him in a position by the asking the next things, I couldn't help myself.
I asked him not to say that I'd been round to my W, which he said he wouldn't (and I do trust him not to), and I said that if I went to look in the bedroom, would he not think ill of me. He said he wouldn't and that he understood why I was being like this, he could see the worry in my eyes. I looked around and there was nothing out of the "ordinary". Whe I went downstairs, my S18 asked me if I wanted to check the Internet history etc on our home PC to see what she'd been looking at. He's worried about it all too. Anyway, I checked it right back to the day I left, and there was no dating sites, lawyers, nothing to say that she was looking to sell the house etc. There were a few things which she'd been looking at to do with marital problems, but all were geared towards the husband treating the wife badly. I read the sites, and I can honestly say that I didn't do most of the things that were on them - hopefully she realised this when she read it too!

The only thing that really concerned me was visits to websites regarding cosmetic surgery.
I have to say right from the outset that my W is extremly beautiful and I wouldn't change anything about here. Having had 4 children though, my W has quite a lot of stretch marks on her stomach, and a "pouch". It's never bothered me in the slightest but it has her (I can understand this to be fair). We used to play the lottery, and that was one of the things that she always said she would do first should we come into big money. She also has very nice breasts but again she has never been happy with the shape so has said about a "boob job". The talk of that increased when her best friend had one done and (hers were very small before) and it really boosted her friends confidence. They do look good too I have to say, but I much prefer natural to fake. She's recently being going on about having Botox injections too, which she doesn't need at all. She's obviously feeling her age (which at almnost 38, is not old at all!!), and she was very concerned about her hair being dyed every other week, and losing weight etc. You get the picture.
Please tell me it's not just me thinking that all of this, coupled with the new car and recent multiple tattoos, smacks of a MLC??? The problem is, she's feeling great about herself and this new life she's wanting to start...it's not a "crisis" to her.

Anyway, there was a few visits to the websites regarding surgery over the past few weeks, so I started to think then that maybe this is what she's thinking now. Get rid of me, sell our home and she'll have a tidy sum of money to be able to do all of it, with enough left over to start a nice little life off for herself. I'm sure that the lure of that in her current thinking is almost irresistable and it far outweighs any kind of reconciliation with me. Maybe she was just curious about it, but it all seems a bit too coincidental to me.

I thanked my S18 for his understanding and said I would see him today (we are meeting up for dinner this evening). I went "home".
I noticed that my W hadn't read my messages from that morning, so I text'd her asking her to please look at my other messages. She just said "what about them, i've read them". I asked her to call me later (yesterday evening), and she just replied "no".

It got to around 7.30pm, and I was in such a state that I went round to see her and broke down in front of her (again). She did hug me just to console me, I was really in a bad way. I asked her to talk to me about how she is feeling and if anything has changed in regards to R. I explained my worries over the photo and the circumstances she was going to be in whilst out and she understood what I was saying, although she wasn't going to explain herself to me or anyone.

I did manage to calm down a little and tried to tell her that I understand how we got here, I really do. As I was reading DB, one of the biggest things that struck me was the part about the "usual" issue in a breakdown of a M was the man feeling that he wanted more independance, and the woman wanting more intimacy. In our marriage, these roles have been reversed for some time. I read back the section in DB about it and swapped the "He's and She's" around and that passage was about us. It's not that I'm feminine by nature but I do wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have, and I don't mind talking about my emotions especially with my W. What had happened over a long period is that I'd turned into the nagging wife!!

Although we both work hard, I was coming home and not seeing her much, doing the cooking, cleaning etc. When she would get home, I would complain that "we never do anything or spend enough time together"...nagging wife if ever I've heard one! The thing is all of this, and me resenting her friendship with her best friend (the third wheel in our M), made me miserable. Once she started getting all these feelings of independance and confidence from working, coupled with the onset of a MLC (which I'm sure she is having), it made it worse and worse.

I told her that I am trying to get help with my mental health (she knows already) and I'm trying to be more sociable with friends etc, and it is for my own benefit but I can't cope with the thoughts that me and her aren't going to make it. I actually said a few things like that, I can't cope, I can't take it etc. She said to me that I had to stop talking this way (suicidal). I told her that I wasn't at "home" knotting a noose but that I was at complete rock bottom and I had had those thoughts many times recently. This is completly true, I have. It's not that I'm going to (I couldn't do that to my kids or family anyway), but to know that you're even thinking about that sort of thing is very very upsetting.

I told her that I wish I could hate her, and just say f*** you to the whole situation, but that I can't. I don't want to see my life, our childrens lives, her life even, torn to pieces and thrown on the fire. I don't deserve it and neither do our kids.
I just asked her to please try and think about the things that I've said in our last couple of meet-ups and everything I'd said yesterday evening, and to let us try one more time. I told her that if it didn't work, I would let her go, and I meant it.

She said she would think about what I'd said, we talked about some other small matters and that was that. She hugged me when I left and said that she does care for me and cares what happens to me (I should hope so after 22 years together). I can see that she's worried about me, in fact, I can see that everyone around me is. I look terrible, and I feel worse.

I just wanted you all to know that I've probably blown everything now, all because I looked at a photo and went batsh*t crazy.
I've broken pretty much every rule in DB'ing. I'm not sure if the meds I have are either not working or if all this is just too big for them to fix. I'm at the doctors on Friday and I tried unsuccesfully to get a sooner appointment today.

I feel so broken guys.

Barry.