M, I agree with the others, 100%. Who could possibly let go with it all in your face like that? You have a ridiculous set of circumstances to deal with. No one person would be able to just blow this off. Based on your kids, IMO, it's time to take the reigns and do what any mama bear would do to protect her young. Starting by taking care of you.
I agree with Heather. Even a few days away would help you catch your breath. The anxiety has to be fierce. Either you go away to take care of yourself on your own terms, or you end up in a hospital somewhere because your body cannot physically handle this stress any longer, and you are FORCED to take a break with no advance planning or notice....then what happens to the kids? How scary and insecure would that feel? Just something to think about.
H is a mess. He crazy. Period. And he's right in front of you waving the nonsense under the selfish guise of being there for his kids, which you and I both know isn't the case. He's confused. He doesn't know what he wants. Yet, he has access to it all. He doesn't have to make a choice. He doesn't have to feel enough pain to feel a loss. He's got everything dangling around him. Cut that off, M. Just do it.
The kids are angry. They have so much to process and deal with because of him. That can't be easy. And there is nothing anyone can do to change what has already happened.
So what can you control?
Believe it or not, this is a huge opportunity to show your kids how much they matter. Even tho one parent has dropped the ball and let them down, YOU don't have to.
Show them what love looks like.
Imagine what life could be, for example, taking them away from this being right under their nose. Not ideal, I know. Especially with the kitchen under construction, etc. If you moved....started fresh....it shows them they are worth every ounce of money and effort to be taken care of. To get them out of a bad situation.
They must feel so hurt and worthless. The damage is really no different than abuse. They would likely look back and remember this time as "Mom did whatever it took to get us all away from the toxicity. She loves us that much to give everything up that was familiar". The initial sacrifices are scary. The rewards, however, can be lifesaving. I know, because I did it.
It involves letting go of what you planned. The house, the family, the future.... It is NOT fun. It is NOT easy. It is worth it. Look at Heather. No way she could be thriving and strong and looking ahead if Smokey was next door. She struggled, sure. I doubt she regrets being far away.
You teach your kids through this, what love IS. It's sacrificing for the greater good. It's opening up your AWESOME IMAGINATION and putting it to good use.
The kids are in pain. I know you are in pain. It won't stop until and unless you take control, make the tough decisions, and change what you can.
You can't change xh and ow. You can't make them move. You can't make him leave her and want to be with you and the kids.
Get away, heal, and live your beautiful life. Who knows what may happen years from now. Staying where you are will change nothing, though. And it will only hurt you and the kids.
My .02, as unpopular as it may be. It truly comes from love, and experience.
