[BrightFuture]

It’s been a long weekend. I was working pretty much every day and last night. We were deploying a big project at work. I’m exhausted, but it felt great to be valuable and appreciate.

There is nothing from H. Normally, during this time a year he would ask about taxes. Not this year. I looked on FB. I think he is on the trip with a group of people from the vacation home place. His drinking and partying crowd. There are a couple of pictures that made me cringe. One of them with a pink cake with doll on it with the wide spread legs. I think this was to celebrate something related to the races two weeks ago, where some of his drunken buddies women participated in some kind of team, and called themselves “B!tches”. And then there was a picture of H where he is pointing out to some sticker on the store window (I think). There is a bracelet on his hand. I don’t know if it is a watch, because of the position of his hand. If it is a watch, first of all it is weird. H never wore watches, because he said that they all stopped if he was wearing them. Second, the bracelet looks thin, like on woman’s watch. Which is weird too, because H was always trying to make sure he looked and behaved like a man.

Also, I don’t know what it is about his face, but it makes feel me disgusted. Something in his look, or expression, IDK. I looked at the picture and realized that I don’t have any feelings of attraction. I also cannot imagine to be intimate with this man. He disgusts me.

So, I’ve been having really hard time with these feelings. I’m scared and sad. I cannot even explain this. I think I lost all the respect for this man. I want to cry. Why was I ever in love with him? I disgust myself. I don’t know what to do with this. I guess, taking one day at a time. In a sense, this FB feels like a blessing. It gave me a reality check. Maybe I will stop fantasizing about the man that H used to be and accept the reality that he is not anymore. Those “B!tches” can have him.