[BrightFuture]

Job, thank you, as always. Your words mean so much to me. You probably right, and the things are not going to change unless I rock the boat.

I’m having one of these down days. I don’t even know why. There is some sadness… I think as I’m detaching more, I feel like there could also be a point of no return…

My new job (or not so new after 9 months, LOL) is definitely helping me a lot.

You are also right about the “blip on the radar screen”. Speaking if which… I texted H that there was no check for him at PO box, Sorry. He replied right away, like he was sitting there waiting for my message. He is probably attached to his phone these days, LOL. He replied “Ok, thanks, i will call them tomorrow”. Like I care… It is his money, I don’t care if he calls or not. Just giving the update here… I will probably forget about it tomorrow. It doesn’t bother me anymore. I just feel sorry for H, he is waiting for some money to be paid. But… Not my problem anymore.

[job]

Bright,
We all have days of being up and down during this time. It's called "cycling". Your cycling is getting shorter and shorter, but you need to go thru it in order to heal. You are going to find that after each cycling period, you get a little bit stronger and little bit more detached. Don't fight it. You don't know what the future holds for you and we can't predict whether it is the end of the line or not. You and only you can determine when you've had enough and if you so wish to file, that is your choice.

Your new job has helped you so much. You're getting out of the house and actually earning your own money, you are interacting w/people every day and yes, you have even become friends w/many of them. I've watched you blossom. Your postings are now starting to be more about you, your friends and your activities, not about your h. What does that tell me? You are starting to focus more on you and what you need in your life to survive.

Yes, you can feel sorry for your h, but it's his problem if the check is not in the mail. Quite frankly, he should have an address whereby his customers can send him his checks and can pick them up himself. But, that's my opinion and as long as you are happy being the go between, then it's okay.

Look to today, find something to smile about. We all have many blessings in our lives and some cases, we don't even realize it.

[BrightFuture]

It’s been a long weekend. I was working pretty much every day and last night. We were deploying a big project at work. I’m exhausted, but it felt great to be valuable and appreciate.

There is nothing from H. Normally, during this time a year he would ask about taxes. Not this year. I looked on FB. I think he is on the trip with a group of people from the vacation home place. His drinking and partying crowd. There are a couple of pictures that made me cringe. One of them with a pink cake with doll on it with the wide spread legs. I think this was to celebrate something related to the races two weeks ago, where some of his drunken buddies women participated in some kind of team, and called themselves “B!tches”. And then there was a picture of H where he is pointing out to some sticker on the store window (I think). There is a bracelet on his hand. I don’t know if it is a watch, because of the position of his hand. If it is a watch, first of all it is weird. H never wore watches, because he said that they all stopped if he was wearing them. Second, the bracelet looks thin, like on woman’s watch. Which is weird too, because H was always trying to make sure he looked and behaved like a man.

Also, I don’t know what it is about his face, but it makes feel me disgusted. Something in his look, or expression, IDK. I looked at the picture and realized that I don’t have any feelings of attraction. I also cannot imagine to be intimate with this man. He disgusts me.

So, I’ve been having really hard time with these feelings. I’m scared and sad. I cannot even explain this. I think I lost all the respect for this man. I want to cry. Why was I ever in love with him? I disgust myself. I don’t know what to do with this. I guess, taking one day at a time. In a sense, this FB feels like a blessing. It gave me a reality check. Maybe I will stop fantasizing about the man that H used to be and accept the reality that he is not anymore. Those “B!tches” can have him.

[123Gwen]

Bright - FB is not reality either but I am glad you are able to use it as a way to frame things for your own self preservation.

It is so hard to witness someone going through MLC. I thought it was just a funny way to label someone until I experienced it in my own marriage. It is far from funny and it makes you question yourself.

Everything you're feeling is okay. You are doing great and perhaps this is a blessing to have the chance to understand that it is not about you.

Hang in there. Try to slow it down a bit at work. Sounds like you had a rewarding and busy week. Maybe plan something nice for yourself in the next couple of days? You deserve to have some fun.

[job]

Bright,
Please try to remember that when in MLC, they will do the opposite of what they once did pre-MLC. Sure, he's wearing a bracelet. The things that he would never have worn, said or did before are being done now. You may be still "expecting" him to behave and dress the way he use to...drop those expectations because he's not going to be that way any longer. Sure, he may look physically the same, but the internal war going on inside is going to cause some changes on the outside, i.e., dressing, aging, etc. It's sad, but it's the truth.

If viewing FB is going to upset you because of the things that are being posted, then don't look at it. I know, you are curious to see what he's doing and trust me, it's not a bed of roses for them.

As for looking at him and feeling a bit disgusted. That's normal, they expressions change during MLC and the twinkle in their eyes disappear and they then have "shark eyes". The depression does this to them.

Bright, what you are feeling is normal, but you are creating more pain and hurt by looking at his FB page. Put it aside until you are stronger or better yet, don't look at it at all. I can tell it hurts to the core.

Please take care of yourself. You had a busy week last week and hopefully this one will be a bit easier and less stressful for you.

[LiveNow]

Hi Bright - I'm in the same place - feel like H is a complete stranger, and someone I would not fall in love with now. I'm sad too, because my feelings for him have just sort of 'gone away.' I've lost SO much respect. Not sure if that could ever return now.

Re: checking FB - I know I shouldn't, but I do it too, occasionally. I do it because I am still legally married to this man, and I feel like, as his legal wife, I deserve to know what is going on. It helps me to put him in the correct place in my brain, and helps me deal with him appropriately. Maybe it makes me angry, instead of sad, but I guess that's ok. I would absolutely HATE to be a completely clueless LBS. I'd feel like an idiot. So, I do it, while I'm still married. In a few weeks, I just don't think I'll care anymore, so why do it? It won't matter anymore. I really don't think I'll have any interest in it after that. His life, his business, his mess. Not mine.

You sound good Bright -- dare I say detached? Perhaps. Life is too short to wait around forever. Glad to hear you're keeping busy too...

[BrightFuture]

Gwen, you are right, watching MLC is not funny, until you look at it from outside and after you detach enough.

LiveNow, same here, I feel like I need to know what’s going on. Especially since he is normally far away and there is not much contact. And the fact that I’m still legally married to H feels kind of weird. I kind of went along with his opinion that marriage is just piece of paper. But, more I think about it, more I feel like there are still some obligations, even just legal once. He thinks he is a free man, but he is not. He is still tied to me in so many different ways. I don’t think that a decent woman (if he meets one) is going to like this state of affairs.

Am I detached? IDK. It certainly feels like I’m getting there. The only sad part is that I tend to also erase the good memories when I detach. It happened with my first xh. The only things I remember are the negatives. They don’t affect me in any way, it is just I’m so convinced that he was not good for me at all and we didn’t have any happy moments to even remember. I knew this about myself. It could explain why I’ve been trying to hold on to a hope with H, because if I give up, everything good will be gone.

Job, I don’t think that I’m creating more pain by looking at the FB. I’m just still so fre@king surprised. What I see now makes me think that I was delusional during almost 17 years, and H has been always this way, I wearing pink colored glasses...

Now I know for sure that he is on the trip with the group of his drunk buddies. And he is posting happy pictures to the world. Maybe he is happy after all and this the life he wanted all along. I can’t say that we never had trips like this. We had lots of trips across the country and internationally. I guess I was just not a good drinking companion with vulgar manners and dirty mouse. Oh well, I don’t think I want to be one.

I always said that my H was kind of a mild MLCer, and very slow. Quite often I even doubted that he is in MLC. I think he is just picking up the steam. Bracelet, facebook, postings and stupid comments... Maybe it’s been like that for a while, I’m just learning about it now.

[Matt165]

Hey BF,
My W is doing the same stuff on FB. She posts romantic sayings that are the exact opposite of how she lives her life! So many pictures with sayings about how if someone loves you, they except you "Exactly as you are". I think that's because she knows what she is doing, who she has become, is just not someone the people in her life up until now would ever understand. I guess she wants to believe that if she behaves like a selfish lout and hurts her kids and destroys her M she shouldn't be "judged" for it. It's just who she is now, right? She wants to think and really believe that she is doing the 'right" thing for her...even though deep inside she knows full well that it's wrong. I think they all tell themselves this kind of thing, act out more and more in an attempt to show the world that they are this new, "cool" person. It's just like when teenagers brag about all the bad stuff they do when talking to other teenagers. You know what I mean, they act like they are such "bad" a$$es when they are posting to their peer group. I think it's the same for the MLCer.

I very, very seldom look on W's FB and i really think you would be better off not looking, BF. FB is just not what is really going on in his life. It's only what he wants others to THINK is going on...there's a big difference between those things!

[beatrice]

Matt, you are becoming a very wise poster, but in what MLCers say there is often a kernel of truth.

They long to be accepted for who they are, because when they were younger (a small child, or adolescent) they were not accepted and loved for who they were. That is one reason they are now in crisis

One thing we have to strive not to do is judge them. It is very very hard. It isn't accepting everything that they do, and it certainly is not a suggestion that we have no boundaries, but that is not the same thing as judging someone who is self destructive and deeply troubled.

So many pictures with sayings about how if someone loves you, they except you "Exactly as you are". I think that's because she knows what she is doing, who she has become, is just not someone the people in her life up until now would ever understand. I guess she wants to believe that if she behaves like a selfish lout and hurts her kids and destroys her M she shouldn't be "judged" for it. It's just who she is now, right? She wants to think and really believe that she is doing the 'right" thing for her...even though deep inside she knows full well that it's wrong

I understand your own hurt, frustration and sense of helplessness. it is still relatively new and raw, but further down the line you will be OK, and sadly they probably will not be.

I never visited my xh's fb persona - it wasn't him and I didn't want to know more about his life than I had to. Everyone makes their own choice on this. It helped me to detach, and with detachment comes growing objectivity, and we start to see our MLC spouses as they truly are. And then compassion begins to grow and displace the anger and hurt

[Lifes Twists]

My personal opinion is that FB causes more harm than good, both for the poster and those that read the posts. It creates an artificial reality that rarely reflects reality. It enables the rewriting of history our spouses all seem to go through. I would recommend not looking or even joining.