The END Hopefully they live happily ever after....

[Complex]

It's a common reaction of WAS to get very curious when they notice you are finally moving on with your life without them.
You seem to be very firm with your decision so far which validates for him that you are done and he starts to question his decision once again.
But you've been through this before, but I'd recommend to continue declining.
When will your D be final?
It's a good way of thinking that your old M is dead. Because it is.
Reconciliation is a very very long process. I read it here over and over again.
If you reconcile you want it to be for good, and that requires full commitment on both sides. And that requires a lottttt of work.

But like everyone else said, you need to detach, which is the hardest part of all. You need to become yourself again. And so does he. You live in a stressful situation and it's hard to see the light and breathe. Especially with your kids involved, that just makes it so sad...and I personally don't know how that changes things in the process.

Keep declining and stay NC for now.
There are people in here that will for sure have a good advice what to do before your D is final.
I'll pray for you that you'll stay strong and become a better person out of this no matter what. And I'll pray for your kids too that they will become better people through this and won't suffer too bad. They need a strong mom!
Hang in there!

[Mozza]

I know exactly what you're going through, DFE... My WAW has done similar things to me, really trying to keep me engaged, inviting me for lunch, sending me funny stuff, etc. On the advice of several vets, I have withdrawn, ignore a lot of her communications and declined her invitations.

I had lunch with her this week (see my sitch to understand why I finally relented) and it brought me back months emotionally. She was just that person, the one I meant to spend my life with and who's now living with another man she just met. It's all coming back to me and it's not good.

Several vets are telling you to hold on and continue declining. Personally, I trust the process. I hope you'll find the strength.

[DFE]

Complex-thanks for the support and prayers. I can really use them right now.

Mozza - I read your witch and saw a lot of similarities. I'm going to do my best to remain strong. I hear through friends and my mom (with whom he is very close) that he is very lonely. He isn't happy at all and is always home. He used to blame me for his unhappiness and what he called being a vegetable. Now that I am out of the picture I would have thought his life would have turned around. I guess the grass isn't greener.

I'm not sure why the WAS stays in contact with the ones they left. I will try to continue to decline but how do you do that nicely? How do you decline without screaming WHY??? What's the point? You wanted a D you got it. Now let me move on.

I will stay strong because he told me several times that I should have tried plays hard to get. I'm going to do that now.

[Mozza]

I'm not sure why the WAS stays in contact with the ones they left. I will try to continue to decline but how do you do that nicely? How do you decline without screaming WHY??? What's the point? You wanted a D you got it. Now let me move on.

Based on the advice of vets, I sent the following message to decline the lunch invitation from my WAW. She seems to have gotten the clue, especially after I ignored a couple of random emails.

"Yes, I suggest we don't meet for lunch. You've chosen to leave and now I need to reduce our contacts to move on. I'll continue to be cordial and to collaborate for all that relates to the kids."

I'm not sure why they want to keep in touch, but from reading around here, it seems to be considered temperature checking, to see if they can safely go further down their current road, while we wait for them. A related theory is that they seek reassurance or comfort from safe people, people who know them well. My WAW hinted at that when we met last week.

[Complex]

That's tough thinking. There's a huge difference if there's OP involved or not. It even hurts reading this stuff, it really hurts. How hard must it be...and it's all stuff that's still going to come up for me.
Not sure if when there's no kids involved if a clean cut will be the best thing when there's no hoe. But hope is dying very very last...
Interesting point you are making Mozza regarding the psychology behind why WAW are searching for reassurance and safety...

[DFE]

That's a great response Mozza. I guess as the LBS I worry that will cut the chances of reconciliation but if he really wants back I guess nothing will stop him.

[Complex]

By the way Mozza, in your thread 25yrs made a suggestion about wording the response "you've chosen to leave...." has a tone of blaming in it which isn't good.
I don't remember what the alternative suggestion was tho. It might be a minor detail but I think 25yr is right.

[Mozza]

Good memory, Complex. There was some disagreement between the vets on this, with Wonka supporting the final wording. I personally think it's similar to the canonical "I do not want this divorce but..."

[DFE]

I guess I declined enough times and STBX got the point. He text me tonight to see if I wanted him to bring any food home for me but I didn't get an invite. I know that was the whole point but I feel so much anxiety about him not asking. As if I have lost another chance to reconcile when I know that's not what was happening.

Why am I so delusional? I still think there is a chance when deep down I know how much damage has been done. I saw him at a. Work meeting today and it's just so odd. This man used to be the closest person to me and now he is nothing but a stranger. It's like a death and I don't know if I will ever stop mourning. I just wish I knew if he felt a fraction of the hurt I'm feeling.

[DFE]

Today is a hard day? Why? I don't know. It should be like any other day for me but for some reason I woke up filled with anxiety and regret. I always feel I could have done more had I known how. He came back a few times and that was my chance. I should have gave home my all but things blew up so fast I didn't have a chance.

I was hurt and angry and processing my own feelings by the time he blew up and said it was over. That was a few weeks after he had moved in and we continued to live together for 9 months. At that point he was completely shut down and done.

Now again I'm full of regret wondering if him reaching out to me is his way of extending an olive branch. For some silly reason I think the man loves me. Didn't want to break up his family. And just didn't know how to make the fighting stop. I wish I could go back and do things differently.