Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[Complex]

Sorry to hear you had a rough day. Makes me scared about starting AD but it'll get better I hope. Something you have to get through. Going through those feelings a second time stinks, but maybe you know better how to deal with it.

I went to LA to the casino with my friend, he was playing day 2 of a big tournament, I bought some equity and cheered for him and played some poker myself. Her got 39th out of 3100 people it was fun.
On the way back W texted and called..she seemed concerned where I was, bc I went NC with her since 5-6 days. I didn't pick up the phone since I was almost home anyway. Thought I'll just let her worry a bit more...

Regarding reconciliation: I have the same feeling. I told her I wouldn't want our R back a while ago. I want to grow as a person first and not go back to old habits or the dead R.
Thing in my case is I don't see a lot of progress in W. She acts very introvert since a couple of weeks. I have NO clue what's going on in her brain or in her life.
I know she's on a journey too. Unfortunately on one where there is no room for me.
She also is completely going out of my way, she's asking me no questions, how I am, where I was. And I'm not doing anything either, if so I want her to approach me.
At least I know I'm on my own journey too. But I don't see my future at all right now. I don't really know what to do with my life. My one job will barely barely hold me over water. College is a lot of work on the side. I'll have to take on another job soon, or play more poker (I played professional for 7 years) but I don't really want to go back to the poker world, I want to move forward. My friend offered me he can connect me with people from different industries to find a job.
I just don't have a clue, so for now I'll just keep going and staying busy.

By the way when I was with W earlier in my sitch I enjoyed being with her, we had fun together, it was easy, although we were S. But then things got worse and now it's the opposite because she completely withdrawed from me. Reasoning is she decided I can't be in her life anymore. She saw me suffering a lot so she thinks it's better if we both focus on ourselves..probably just makes her feel better too. And we just discussed the same sht over and over and over again ..so she got sick of it I'm sure.
I'm just wondering if she will just tell me one day that she filed for D. That would be a very hard day probably, although I see it coming. Communication seems completely dead, i dong know if that's a good thing!??