Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

Having a rough morning... I find that mornings are the hardest time of day for me, I just have trouble getting started, especially since I often have dreams involving H (some good, some bad).

I'm just sick of feeling down so much. I know it hasn't been that long since my BD compared to many, but it feels like a long time to me.

And while I'm certainly doing a lot better than I was at first, often when I'm out GALing I just feel like I'm going through the motions, not really living life or enjoying myself. And when I'm between activities, or sometimes during them, I can't stop thinking about my sitch.

I know there are up days and down days and it's to be expected, but when I'm having a down day I just feel like I'm getting sucked back into the really dark place I was just after BD, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to enjoy life again.

The roller coaster's making me sick!

[Sotto]

Hi Susana, sorry you're having a rough morning. The low times do get less frequent (I promise!) and we should always remember to seek that happiness from within.

OD just posted a list of activities to make you feel better. It's a great list and well worth a look. I was thinking the next day I feel low, I might just pick 3 things off it and do them. Sometimes I find myself being so indecisive about what to do, that I just have to say - I'll do this - and go for it.

FWIW, I think you're doing really well, and you're right it is early days....but the weeks and months start to trickle by you know. And time goes quicker with GAL as you know already.

Hope your day picks up. I've had days where I had rough mornings and then felt pretty upbeat by the evening. Hope it's one of those for you :-)

[susana4]

I also just started on antidepressants and was warned that it can make you feel a bit worse before it makes you feel better, so that could be playing into it.

Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself but I keep asking "why can't I just detach already?!"

But I'm not sure how to even go about detaching... What steps am I meant to take to get me there?

[susana4]

Hi Susana, sorry you're having a rough morning. The low times do get less frequent (I promise!) and we should always remember to seek that happiness from within.


OD just posted a list of activities to make you feel better. It's a great list and well worth a look. I was thinking the next day I feel low, I might just pick 3 things off it and do them. Sometimes I find myself being so indecisive about what to do, that I just have to say - I'll do this - and go for it.

Thanks Toots! I'm going to have a look at that list now! I was going to go to a yoga class this morning but didn't get my act together in time so I need to figure out something else to do today.

FWIW, I think you're doing really well, and you're right it is early days....but the weeks and months start to trickle by you know. And time goes quicker with GAL as you know already.

Hope your day picks up. I've had days where I had rough mornings and then felt pretty upbeat by the evening. Hope it's one of those for you :-)

Thanks, it really is so up and down I find I can be down one moment and upbeat within an hour. It's so confusing!

[Complex]

Same here. Up and down constantly. It's normal. But toots is right, they become less frequent. Up = GAL, being away from W. Down = Being home, after contact with W, mornings, not eating enough.
Sometimes I just feel like 'How in the damn wide world can someone put you through this? Do they have any idea?'
This selfishness is sickening but I know WAS is most likely miserable too.

You started antidepressants? I heard it usually takes 2-6 weeks before they start working. I might get on some too. I'm at the point where I think it's worth a try because I feel like my life got sukked out of me. I'm not the same person.

Sunday should be big GAL day, or I usually fall into a deep whole, just being at home.
I feel distant to W, but I'd love to fall in love with her again

[susana4]

Same here. Up and down constantly. It's normal. But toots is right, they become less frequent. Up = GAL, being away from W. Down = Being home, after contact with W, mornings, not eating enough.

Yes, except in my case I am up after seeing H, down when he's away, since our interactions are really pleasant.

I'd like to just even things out a bit, even if it's not up, just to feel a little more stable. But I'm guessing and hoping that will come with time.

Sometimes I just feel like 'How in the damn wide world can someone put you through this? Do they have any idea?'
This selfishness is sickening but I know WAS is most likely miserable too.

Do you think it's selfishness, or self-preservation? I've read a few times elsewhere on the boards that the WAS is on a journey, too. They happen to have started their journey a little bit before us... And though it pains me it's happened this way, I try to remember my H is on a journey, and he's just trying to become the man he's meant to become. And so I remind myself not to try and hold him back from his journey (by begging, pleading, or guilting), but to let him go on it.

Even in the last few weeks, I can see some signs of changes he's making on his journey (becoming more self-aware, changing some of his people-pleasing habits), and I'm really impressed and really pleased for him.

OTOH, it's hard, because seeing him grow like this makes me love him more.

You started antidepressants? I heard it usually takes 2-6 weeks before they start working. I might get on some too. I'm at the point where I think it's worth a try because I feel like my life got sukked out of me. I'm not the same person.

It's worth discussing with your doctor and seeing what they think. Although at least in my case, it definitely seems to be a case of making it worse before it makes it better. Dr did warn me this would be the case for 2-3 weeks.

Btw - my dr recommended it in conjunction with IC (which I'd already started).

In my case, my doctor had recommended them 7 or 8 times in the last 8-10 months and I kept saying no. I've been grappling with anxiety and depression since the spring/summer due to problems at work, and tbh I was in denial about how bad they were. If anything, BD forced me to face the issues, because I could no longer lean on H. And whilst H denied it had anything to do with it, I do think my depression contributed to problems in the M.

Sunday should be big GAL day, or I usually fall into a deep whole, just being at home.
I feel distant to W, but I'd love to fall in love with her again

What are your GAL plans?

[susana4]

Interesting thought experiment earlier today... I asked myself how I would react if H came to me tomorrow and said he wanted to reconcile (not that I expect that in any way, as far as I know he is still absolutely adamant it's over, there's no swaying him!). But I do think about it sometimes and what my reaction would be.

My reaction today when I thought about it was different and really surprised me. When I imagined H wanting to reconcile now, I panicked and thought, NO I don't want to reconcile right now! I actually felt a panicked, nervous knot in my stomach when I thought about it. Not because I am angry, or because I think H needs to make changes...
But because I am not ready. I am not done growing. I have not yet become the woman I am meant to become. I'm not the best susana I can be just yet, and I need more time to grow and become her.

So that was a weird reaction I didn't expect...

[susana4]

Today was TOUGH. The ADs are definitely getting me down, I feel as low as I did just after BD and didn't leave the house all day. But the doctor told me to expect this for the first couple of weeks, so I'm trying to ride it out but it's really hard feeling this down again. Kind of glad H is out of town on ski trip because it would be hard to fake PMA around the house right now.

I'm feeling quite down because I don't know if I've made any progress. Although people have told me I have, it's hard to see from where I'm standing. And I know I shouldn't keep looking to see if H has noticed but I am curious whether he's noted any changes in me and I really can't tell if he has. I struggle with knowing how to measure what's working if I don't look at H's reactions...

[Complex]

Sorry to hear you had a rough day. Makes me scared about starting AD but it'll get better I hope. Something you have to get through. Going through those feelings a second time stinks, but maybe you know better how to deal with it.

I went to LA to the casino with my friend, he was playing day 2 of a big tournament, I bought some equity and cheered for him and played some poker myself. Her got 39th out of 3100 people it was fun.
On the way back W texted and called..she seemed concerned where I was, bc I went NC with her since 5-6 days. I didn't pick up the phone since I was almost home anyway. Thought I'll just let her worry a bit more...

Regarding reconciliation: I have the same feeling. I told her I wouldn't want our R back a while ago. I want to grow as a person first and not go back to old habits or the dead R.
Thing in my case is I don't see a lot of progress in W. She acts very introvert since a couple of weeks. I have NO clue what's going on in her brain or in her life.
I know she's on a journey too. Unfortunately on one where there is no room for me.
She also is completely going out of my way, she's asking me no questions, how I am, where I was. And I'm not doing anything either, if so I want her to approach me.
At least I know I'm on my own journey too. But I don't see my future at all right now. I don't really know what to do with my life. My one job will barely barely hold me over water. College is a lot of work on the side. I'll have to take on another job soon, or play more poker (I played professional for 7 years) but I don't really want to go back to the poker world, I want to move forward. My friend offered me he can connect me with people from different industries to find a job.
I just don't have a clue, so for now I'll just keep going and staying busy.

By the way when I was with W earlier in my sitch I enjoyed being with her, we had fun together, it was easy, although we were S. But then things got worse and now it's the opposite because she completely withdrawed from me. Reasoning is she decided I can't be in her life anymore. She saw me suffering a lot so she thinks it's better if we both focus on ourselves..probably just makes her feel better too. And we just discussed the same sht over and over and over again ..so she got sick of it I'm sure.
I'm just wondering if she will just tell me one day that she filed for D. That would be a very hard day probably, although I see it coming. Communication seems completely dead, i dong know if that's a good thing!??

[Complex]

Sorry...so much talking about my own sitch ...