My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

I feel like I am going to throw up. Just got off the phone with H who asked me why I sent out an evite to my daughter's second birthday party. He said his family is not going to come and that no one is going to want to be there with everything that's going on. I said what do you mean and he said "We're getting divorced!" I managed to stay calm, which H said he appreciated and he said several times during the conversation that he liked the way I was talking in terms of staying calm and not yelling or crying too much. I am so devastated. This divorce is definitely happening. My precious children, who I had because I wanted to share mine and H's "fun" life will have two homes, separate holidays and it looks like if H has his way, separate birthday parties.
H said he is reading a book, something like Mens guide to a reasonable divorce or something like that. Why the eff does he have to read a pro-divorce book?

I am not canceling my precious baby's birthday party. If it's just me and her, my 4 year old and a couple of neighbors, that will be fine. H can pick up the bill. Sorry for the anger spewing out of me tonight. I can't stop crying.

[T384]

Hey Lorelai,

Just wanted to reach out. I've been there with the feelings you're experiencing right now. But that's just it .. It's right now... It doesn't mean it's forever.

Your May get D or you may not. Nobody knows that answer right now. Don't let his behavior dictate your actions and response. By all means continue on with the birthday party. It's a shame H will miss out on the birthday party but that's his choice, good for you for putting the invite out there.

Anyway, not much advice but just wanted to sympathize that. I know how you feel. It's a long bumpy road.

[Lorelai]

Thanks, TO. I really appreciate the empathy and kindness, especially coming from one of my DB heroes! LOL.

H called back a little while ago to talk about a schedule change. He called right when I was in full-on sobs, so I had to gather my composure to talk to him. Before we got off the phone (I know this isn't DB) I said I still believe we have a chance. He said "That's very optimistic. It's good to be optimistic."

I'm not at all reading into anything he says right now. I have been HURT so bad and am in so much PAIN from watching for little signs like today when I saw that he was wearing his ring. Then I hear him say he doesn't want me to have a party for my 2-year-old because "We're getting divorced" and my heart sinks to my feet.

I feel so awful right now. A part of me feels like "Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to go to bed, get up early, get more resumes out and land a full-time job and get on with my life as a single mother and forget about H. Yeah!" And another part feels like "I never want to get out of bed again." You guys don't have to tell me the part to listen to.

[Ss06]

Oh Lorelai, I'm so sorry.

The thing is, your D's birthday party has nothing to do with a divorce or marriage or the price of coffee. It just IS. Why not celebrate it as it should be celebrated. If his family feels awkward then that says a lot more about THEM than it does about anything else.

I also believe that your H enjoys stringing you along. One minute he's wearing his ring knowing you're noticing and the next minute he's screaming into the phone "because we're getting divorced!". He knows you're strapped into the roller coaster car.

Get off the ride, Lorelai. Do it for you.

[T384]

Totally agree with SS

Stop giving him so much control of you. He knows he has you on the hook.

I wish I had (and I still never did nor have I now) but I wish I had detached sooner for me. I really do.

Looking back I remember people giving me similar advice and while I wanted to follow it I felt like I was giving up. Your H needs to be free to do his own thing. No more R things brought up. Treat him like a neighbor, laugh, sing, be silly and enjoy your children.

And thanks for the compliment I don't feel like a hero but if people can learn from my mistakes! Haha

[Lorelai]

I realize this is none of my business, but I can't help but feel defeated when I look up the book my H is reading on Amazon see that it's nothing but a bunch of pro-divorce/anti-work-on-your-marriage dribble. The guy, whose book is specifically for men, is basically like "if you're not happy, leave!" And he says that couples always try to make at least one attempt at reconciliation but husbands should refuse because once someone has decided to divorce, reconciliation attempts are futile.

I think my MIL might have given him the book, not realizing what it was, or maybe she does realize it. Yesterday she gave me a card that I guess was supposed to be a nice gesture but it basically said that H doesn't talk to her about his personal life and I shouldn't talk to her about it either. Then she gave me a copy of the ser. prayer which she told me years ago she read every night after crying for three or four hours after H's father walked out when H was just 2. So glad we can carry on the family tradition.

Sorry I'm so negative today... I really wish my H wouldn't read a book promoting such selfishness...

OK positive note—if you can really call it that—I contacted a local organization I found out about through a friend for women going through a divorce or about to enter the process. They help you find an attorney and sit down with you and go through everything, finances, custody, children, law, etc. I have an appointment for a week from today. It was the best I could do with my crazy schedule right now.

When H took the kids this morning to his mom's, I asked if he could keep them an extra hour so I could fit in a workout this evening. I really want to get back into shape and lose the "baby body." That baby's almost 2 for goodness sakes!

Also--quick update on birthday party gate 2015. So I did go ahead and cancel the party and get back the deposit. Not just b/c of H, but b/c hardly any of my friends could make it and I had a lot of anxiety about how it was going to go with the way H was behaving. My 2-year-old wouldn't notice if anyone was there but my 4-year-old certainly would and I didn't want to plan and spend for something that wasn't going to be that much fun because of the way everything was going. Plus the only time my park dist. had available was an hour before her bedtime until 9 or 10 p.m.—a little late for a 2-year-old.
Anyway, I sent out an email canceling the party and several of my friends emailed me back in a group email suggesting coming to my house and having a smaller party with just them and their kids on her birthday weekend, which falls on a date that works better for them. They even offered to order the cake and take care of everything so I didn't have to worry.
THEN my SIL (remember, my H said no one from his family would want to come, right) EMAILED me asking if she could be involved in some sort of celebration for my daughter, at my house or somewhere. She was disappointed to hear the party was canceled! I'm going to take the high road and invite her to the party my friends are planning at my house.

There is so much love everywhere in my life and I don't think I would have seen it without this experience...

And thanks to everyone who's been stopping by or giving a quick read!

[Lorelai]

Help!!! H is here with the kids. I was out working but my cell phone died and I didn't have my charger so I came home to make a quick call for work. Before I left the house today I left two boxes of Valentine's Day cards that S4 has to sign for a preschool party tomorrow. I very gently said he might want to do that cards with S4 while D23mos was napping because I let her look at one or two of them yesterday and (I know, I should have had S4 work on them yesterday and I should not have let my toddler daughter see the cards).
Anyway, D23mos is for some reason OBSESSED with these Valentine's Day cards, so I had to hide them from her yesterday so they wouldn't get messed up before S4 took them to school. So that's why I asked H to just do them while she napped. I come home, D23mos is up from her nap, S4 is watching TV and H is like "Let me get out the cards." And D23mos immediately starts screaming. I go into the bedroom to make my call and overhear H say "Sorry, D23mos, SOMEBODY let you play with the cards yesterday and that's why you're interested in them."
Then he busted into the bedroom where I was on the phone with a screaming D23mos in his arms and asks why I let her play with the cards. I was literally in the middle of a work call, and my work is more important than ever right now because H has decided to walk out and start planning a D and I have to find a full-time job, which I would do either way, but I'm under way more pressure than I would be if I weren't getting a D.
He is not doing any work on himself at all. Even if he wanted to R I wouldn't unless he was willing to look inward and make some serious changes. The old me would have yelled back at H, Well, why didn't you do the cards while D23 mos was napping?! But I'm keeping my mouth shut—something I should have done a lot more of during my M.

[Lorelai]

Last year— I made a special pasta dish I always make every year on Valentine's Day. (This will be the first year I haven't made it.) H came home from work as I was finishing everything up, getting the kids settled at the table, taking the garlic bread out of the oven etc. I'd given him a card earlier saying I knew things were tough and I was sorry for my part, but I believed we would somehow pull through. I watched as he walked through the front door with no flowers, no candy... nothing. He usually did something for Valentine's Day, even something small... He walked past me in the kitchen to hang up his keys and I let out a sigh. "What?" he said. "Well," I started in my pre-divorce busting-if-i-just-talk-to-him-it-will-be-ok way, "I'm disappointed you don't have anything for me."
H: "I thought I told you where our relationship was at and how I feel (divorce)."
Then he sat down and ate my VDay dinner I worked so hard on.

This year: Dinner and bowling with my 4-year-old while H takes D23mos out for an excursion of their own. Might not be romantic, but it's a lot better than last year and my little ones are really in need of some individualized attention from their parents right now. I'm grateful we're at least able to give that to them today. I love my babies so much!

[Lorelai]

It always hurts so, so, so bad when he leaves. I hate it. I hate this. I hate everything about this. I can't have a PMA right now. I just can't. I had a very nice time with my 4-year-old tonight who melted my heart with "I love you Mommy! Happy Valentine's Day!" while we were at the restaurant. We had a wonderful night, actually. I wish I could focus on that right now and believe me when I say I am trying. We came home to H on the couch watching a movie. He'd already put our almost 2-year-old to bed and mumbled something under his breath to me about "getting S4 off to bed right away so he wouldn't see him leave and be upset."
Here's the thing, if you KNOW the idea of you LEAVING upsets our child, WHY are you doing this? Is whatever you're going to find outside our family structure that important to you? Am I THAT awful that you would hurt your children to get away from me. BTW, if I were to ask H this, he would say "yes!"
Back when I was struggling with PPD, I myself wanted to leave, but I knew there was something bigger than me to think about—my children. It didn't matter how I felt, or what I thought I wanted for myself or if I felt like H wasn't always the man of my dreams because they came first and if it meant working harder to be happy and going on meds and having a more positive attitude in my marriage then that's what I was going to do. That's what a parent does.
Whatever, H.
Lucky for me, I did not go down my the cheeseless tunnel of calling him after he left to tell him how upset I was. I usually get an earful that sends me into a dark hole after that. I came here instead. Sorry guys!
Happy Valentine's Day. Seriously, I'll be OK. I feel better already just being able to get this out. Thanks!

[Lorelai]

OK, I'm embarrassed by that whiney post I just made and it's too late to delete it. Basically, whenever I'm out and H is at the house, I come home and see his car, see him hanging out on the couch watching TV and think, "Maybe tonight he'll stay..." which is such a silly thought to even have at this point... so basically every time H leaves to go back to his moms, I'm completely deflated, like it's the BD all over again. I need to step up my GAL, land that full time job, and not think about him anymore other than as a neighbor or colleague. So hard though, So, so hard!