When I walked into the IC office the first day... I asked her to help me detach. That's my #1 priority. To make the life I want without feeling to look over my shoulder at W.
That was your goal in going to IC was learning how to detach from W after moving to the condo. Here's a fact: you haven't fully detached from W based on your up and down emotions/reactions.
I do worry that, in your mind, filing for a D is a knee-jerk reaction to hearing from S12's inquiry and the IC that your M is supposedly declared "dead." Based on your WAW's words. As you should now by now on this site that many WASes speak in the absolutes...that's because they're operating from dopamine and emotion. There's no rational thought process here.
Again, is this what YOU really, REALLY want, HP? You need to get away for a while and really be totally honest with yourself without having some background noises distracting you.
I do worry that IC is driving you toward a path that you are not 100% confident on or content to walk on.
Originally Posted By: HPoirot
IC is, though, big on boundaries and she has told me to seriously consider a legal agreement/mediation to make sure W keeps to a schedule and pays what she should pay. I would say she is pushing me to be realistic and to take real steps to move on and firmly protect myself and S12. To make it real for all of us instead of this separation limbo W seems to be happy to keep us all in.
Make it real for WHAT? For whom? I mean, you've just begun to take a firmer stand your boundaries only 3 to 4 days ago. Maybe I'm wrong...it seems that you're coming at W with a sledgehammer (i.e. legal separation) without giving her time and space to truly step up. You've been pretty poor with establishing and enforcing boundaries all along because of your fear and some wet nooddle moments.
That text you sent to W last week was the FIRST time that you've truly enforced a boundary and I really think that you can build from that point and on. That was JUST the schedule. You haven't tackled the finances yet.
Originally Posted By: HPoirot
Thing is... a legal separation agreement from what I understand is more a negotiation with W than filing for a fault D is. That's what I'm looking to understand from the L... how I get more leverage to get what works for me and S12.
Leverage on what? That is a head-scratching thing to say here. You have no leverage to speak...really. Many DBers go to the legal separation route ONLY after the following reasons:
1) Facing serious financial harm (i.e. WAS cleaning out the bank accounts, racking up debts, refusing to pay bills, etc.)
2) Protecting the family from financial destruction
Now let's see. You want a legal separation over peanuts. I'm serious. In my view, you're grabbing a supposed "lifeline" by IC in order to get your W to adhere to a set schedule and put a foot to her neck on finances when you have NOT yet addressed the financial issues.
It seems to be that you do not have the strength nor have shown to us to date to show consistent boundary laying and enforcing them. You're looking for external solutions to do YOUR own heavy lifting of boundary enforcing.
Originally Posted By: HPoriot
So... I've read a number of sitches here where the advice from vets including you good people advising me here is always the same... pull away from wayward... fight legally for your for your kids and your money when needed... be firm and consistent with boundaries... GAL... get to the point where you don't need but might maybe just maybe very conditionally want W.
1) Pull away from WAW: mixed results due to up and down reactions
2) Fight legally for kids and your money when needed: Why? You have S12 and you two apparently do not have much assets. Nor is W depleting or "robbing" you blind from the bank accounts since you've already established your own accounts.
3) Be firm and consistent with boundaries: D+. Needs improvement. Needs to learn how to implement and enforce them. Just started as of last week and I am afraid that Mr. Poirot is ready to give up before the school year is out. It is worrying if he wishes to move up to the next grade in DB School of Hard Knocks.
4)GAL: Sputtering. D-. Needs to pick up the slack for it will aid greatly in the detachment department.
Originally Posted By: HPoriot
Also, if filing ends the power struggle with W and shows her again this is not the party she expected it to be then all the better.
So it is a power struggle, not your failure at enforcing boundaries, huh? Ok...go ahead and pass the buck elsewhere.
Originally Posted By: HPoriot
Now, waiting for her to set a schedule and tell me if she can pay her share and let me move where I want to with S12 while she gives me attitude and likely talks to another man more than her son isn't working for me. She did not call tonight to ask about S12's basketball game. Did not call to say good night to him. She not worth waiting for and I can't change her.
Pshaw! C'mon! It sounds like you're playing the victim card pretty heavy here. Whose fault is it that you allow her to give you an "attitude." Where's your self-respect and insistence on respect from W?
Oh and that ratty scorecard? Lose it!
You know that DBing is a marathon. Become the MAN only a fool would leave. You have made ZERO efforts toward that goal because:
1) You're not doing much GALing, if any 2) You're too invested in how and what W says...reacting instead of taking charge of your own emotions 3) You're not detached
How's that working for you so far, HP?
Not much.
So a D is the path of least resistance. Ok. Your choice.
