possible/probable mistakes on my part, - I said to W it was nice to see her and i hope she has a nice week. she at best grunted in response - I said 'SIL has sent me a letter which i'd like to talk to you about at some point but its not urgent' she replied by saying she knew SIL was going to but didnt know what she was going to say.
I'm not sure i want to know but i do wonder what indifference would look like. I wonder if i'm misreading absence of love as anger and hate. She isnt saying nasty things she just simply wont engage on any level and is avoiding any small talk to avoid me getting hopes up.
What do the vets tell you about these things? My impression hasn't changed: I find them very uncomfortable. When I reject someone, I deeply dislike them being nice to me. You always give to your WAW more than she wants from you. That's what irks her. On the one hand, you still wish for R, but on the other hand you seem intent on "being nice to her" as if it brought you closer to that goal. Sometimes, you present it as being true to yourself, but that's not what DB is about. DB is counter-intuitive. DB is about what works. How's that "being nice" working? Where do you find it in DR, for your type of sitch?
As you know from my sitch, there is nothing more I would like than to engage with my WAW. In fact, when she left she wasn't so far off from how your WAW behaves now, without the nastiness. My WAW was utterly indifferent to me and trying to avoid me. Once she was gone, and increasingly over time, I've taken more and more distance, under the advice of vets like Wonka, sandi2 and Labug. Gradually, our roles have reversed. Now WAW is the one reaching out to me and it's me who's non-responsive. I give her less than she wants, so she's asking for more.
So my inclination would be to reject your WAW. Don't be nasty, but do not get into her home, do not invite her in yours, do not ask about her day, keep your distances when she asks about you (it will happen), etc. It seems so self-evident, both based on DB and on real life experience, that I'm not sure why you haven't started doing it yet. I'm guessing it was hard during the in-house S, but now could be a good time to start.
Imagine a colleague you don't really like, but who's infatuated with you. She spends 99% of her time around you acting rather normal, but once a day, she blows you a kiss from a distance. Will you think she's 99% normal? These little things that your WAW rejects from you are likely what stays in her mind and explain why she's being mean and cold to get rid of these behaviors in you. One day, she'll have to be nice or curious and you'll have to keep on being distant so that she knows it's safe to come close. Think of the picnic analogy.
By the way, I really like all that you do with your kids. Congratulations.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
