Devotion to a dream...

[phunguy]

Thanks Sandi. I get it. I could tell during our talk yesterday she was under a lot of stress. The thought of exploring her feelings seemed like something she didn't want to do and though she did she did it reluctantly. I will continue to detach and make plans accordingly to better myself, protect the kids, etc.

[phunguy]

Happy Monday! Wow what a weekend, the cold chill returned yesterday, but I suppose when you go out and drink till you throw up your pay the next day. Little to no talk all day, fine with me. I spent it reading and working on goal setting. Took about 3 pages of notes and worked through some goals about how to respond and be a better listener. One thing for certain, I'm not very good and sympathizing or being empathetic, I'm a problem solver. So I definitely put this one on my list as a big 180. Maybe I could use it if she would talk to me this week.

[MrBond]

"One thing for certain, I'm not very good and sympathizing or being empathetic,"

And what else have you been doing to change this?

[phunguy]

This is not giving up. It is simply a new and different way for you to fight for your M. As you free up pressure for her, more pressure will added to you.......UNLESS you learn how to emotionally detach from everything she says/does. That is the first step for all newcomer LBS. You have to learn not to take her personally.

I've re-read this couple times now, and I think you're right. I am left with little choice at this point but to try this. I must act like she almost doesn't exist to me. Which was sort of how last night went. We each sat for hours, saying nothing, it was chilling and the tension was so thick. I eventually had enough of sitting there waiting for her to open her mouth that I went to bed to continue reading till I fell asleep. I figure I'll just leave her completely alone tonight and for the duration of the week and see how it goes. I can go cold/dark too.

Of course, this being the week of V-day I'm very conflicted about what to do if anything. Do I still get her something from the kids? Do I get her as I had planned a locket with a picture of me and the kids? I was planning on doing something special for her alone, a massage or spa? Part of me says F-it, she can deal with what she's created for herself.

[MrBond]

"I've re-read this couple times now, and I think you're right. I am left with little choice at this point but to try this. I must act like she almost doesn't exist to me."

Backing up a bit. You said that this was the main problem with your relationship since you weren't good at sympathizing or being empathetic towards her. If I were you, I wouldn't go totally cold on her or else she will see this as you not caring as usual. You can be friendly but not overtly so.

[sandi2]

I spent it reading and working on goal setting. Took about 3 pages of notes and worked through some goals about how to respond and be a better listener. One thing for certain, I'm not very good and sympathizing or being empathetic, I'm a problem solver. So I definitely put this one on my list as a big 180. Maybe I could use it if she would talk to me this week.

That's great! It shows you are serious. One thing I suggest to H's is to look in her eyes when she is talking. It show you are "listening". If you don't know what to say, just nod your head (unless you can't agree with it). If she tries to put you on the spot about something, or catches you off guard, tell her you will need to think about it.

I must act like she almost doesn't exist to me.

Well the problem with doing this when she's in the same room is like you said about the tension. Try a different way of seeing it. See it as though you are so busy or preoccupied or interested in something else that she doesn't have your full attention. Now, if this was under different circumstances, you would not act that way, but with this stitch....you do. The point is to not act cold or angry. And if you go for hours without saying a word, it gives off those vibes. So try to be yourself as best you can. Understand?

I eventually had enough of sitting there waiting for her to open her mouth that I went to bed to continue reading till I fell asleep. I figure I'll just leave her completely alone tonight and for the duration of the week and see how it goes. I can go cold/dark too.

The problem is that both are waiting on the other one to say something first. This is not the quiet game. She'll just think you are sulking. So say enough that it shows you are not being mean or giving her the silent treatment.

Of course, this being the week of V-day I'm very conflicted about what to do if anything. Do I still get her something from the kids? Do I get her as I had planned a locket with a picture of me and the kids? I was planning on doing something special for her alone, a massage or spa? Part of me says F-it, she can deal with what she's created for herself.

I certainly would not get something like a locket, candy or flowers. Nothing mushy or suggests romance. I usually say don't give anything if you are on the brink of D, or if there is a third party involved. Do you usually help the kids get something for her? Maybe they hand make something themselves?

[phunguy]

Right, I think there is a balance in there of being myself, but still detaching from her this week. I've also decided I'm getting her nothing for V-day. I don't want to put it in her face that I'm pursuing her.

[MrBond]

Did you get her gifts for V-Day in the past? What did you get?

[phunguy]

Usually mushy love stuff or sexy stuff.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I spent it reading and working on goal setting. Took about 3 pages of notes and worked through some goals about how to respond and be a better listener. One thing for certain, I'm not very good and sympathizing or being empathetic, I'm a problem solver. So I definitely put this one on my list as a big 180. Maybe I could use it if she would talk to me this week.

That's great! It shows you are serious. One thing I suggest to H's is to look in her eyes when she is talking. It show you are "listening". If you don't know what to say, just nod your head (unless you can't agree with it). If she tries to put you on the spot about something, or catches you off guard, tell her you will need to think about it.

I must act like she almost doesn't exist to me.

Well the problem with doing this when she's in the same room is like you said about the tension. Try a different way of seeing it. See it as though you are so busy or preoccupied or interested in something else that she doesn't have your full attention. Now, if this was under different circumstances, you would not act that way, but with this stitch....you do. The point is to not act cold or angry. And if you go for hours without saying a word, it gives off those vibes. So try to be yourself as best you can. Understand?

I eventually had enough of sitting there waiting for her to open her mouth that I went to bed to continue reading till I fell asleep. I figure I'll just leave her completely alone tonight and for the duration of the week and see how it goes. I can go cold/dark too.

The problem is that both are waiting on the other one to say something first. This is not the quiet game. She'll just think you are sulking. So say enough that it shows you are not being mean or giving her the silent treatment.

Of course, this being the week of V-day I'm very conflicted about what to do if anything. Do I still get her something from the kids? Do I get her as I had planned a locket with a picture of me and the kids? I was planning on doing something special for her alone, a massage or spa? Part of me says F-it, she can deal with what she's created for herself.

I certainly would not get something like a locket, candy or flowers. Nothing mushy or suggests romance. I usually say don't give anything if you are on the brink of D, or if there is a third party involved. Do you usually help the kids get something for her? Maybe they hand make something themselves?

If she has another guy there is nothing to get her. You could get her a card "I would've gotten you something, but you need to let him do that for you".