Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

So something I didn't mention last night, because I just wanted to focus on GAL, but before I went out I had a talk with him.

I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but it felt right. I had to let him know how I was feeling. And I think it felt right because this was the first time in a long time I had a talk with him where I wasn't trying to make him feel something. I had no ulterior motive except to say, "This is how your actions are affecting me."

I pretty much told him how I felt like he was playing games. How I resent the fact that I spent our marriage accommodating his choices and I didn't mind at the time because I believed in him, but now that he made it clear he doesn't have my best interests at heart I don't see why I still have to be accommodating his choices. I told him that if he wants out of the marriage then fine--go--but don't expect me to once again accommodate your choices by having to make all of the sacrifices.

I told him how I don't think it is right that just because he wants to give up the marriage that means that I have to give up my home and 50% of my time with the kids.

I told him how I think moving in with my parents would help me financially, and if it wasn't for the kids I would be there already. But D11 isn't really on board with the move. She doesn't want to change schools and doesn't want to have the long commute which she kind of had a taste of last week when H and she were staying with friends--house-sitting/babysitting --and that commute was only half the distance of what it will be when we are living with my folks. I told him how if I have to move out there either I am the one who will be held responsible for changing their lives in a way they don't want it to change, or I will have to give up a good chunk of my time with them. A sacrifice that I don't think I should have to make since none of this is my idea to begin with!

I felt strong, and confident when I was telling him these things. I know there is nothing DB about it, but I needed him to hear it. I needed to get back my dignity. The dignity that the back and forth of neediness and coldness I have been playing at the past couple of months had cost me. I had to tell him why I am having such a hard time accepting the separation--not because he is he end all be all of my life--but that his decision to not even try to see if the marriage is slavageable and his lack of movement on getting himself out of this marriage that he claims he hates--while he waits for me to make all of the changes--is unfair. I am not going to play by his rules. I am not going to give up 50% of my time with my kids. And I am not going to be the one they blame when they have to give up the things in their lives that are important to them.

I told him that I don't know if our marriage is worth saving at this point. But I told him that I don't think we have ever even gotten to the point of trying so how do we even know. I brought up how he was all gung ho about fixing things back in September until I started bringing up some tough issues that sent him running again. I told him that I know I was far from a perfect wife, but I always had his back.

I don't really expect anything from that conversation, at least not on his end. But I do feel like I had a nice healthy purge and that I got myself out of that needy, clingy, victim role, and back into a, "this is my life, and you are not in control anymore" frame of mind.

I feel good. I still don't know what I am going to do, but I do know it is not going to be dependent on what he wants me to do.

Anyway, he didn't say much. He listened. He didn't get angry. I think he really just heard me out. He made a few comments about how s13 has been acting differently around him. He was a little accusatory with that, as if I had something to do with it. I think S13 is feeling really protective of me, and I think that pathetic zone I was in might be why. I told him I am trying to be strong around them, but I am sure they sense when I am shaken, as much as I try to hide it. And when he does things to piss me off (like disappearing and not giving any indication about when we can expect him home) I'm sure the kids sense that. Not only that, but in a few years when the kids decide to follow his example with not telling us the necessary details of their comings and goings we are going to be in big trouble. I mean, this has nothing to do with "policing" each other, but common courtesy--at least that was how I was raised. If nothing else then just a general idea of when you expect to be home.

I guess maybe there was a little bit of lecturing, but for the most part I am happy with how I handled myself. I feel like I have gotten back my dignity and pride, and took back the reins. Now I just have to keep them.