She does consider our marriage over and therefore feels it's OK to date. And she's gone off for the evening now. Didn't know when she'll be back.
Funnily enough she hasn't told the kids it quite the same terms. They know she's gone out to see OM but i think they think he's just a friend. I told them the truth just now, that's she's dating. That she thinks our marriage is over and doesn't want to work on if but I do. And I'm really upset about it but there's nothing I can do.
I also said I'm thinking about moving out. I not sure yet but I'm thinking about it. S12 asked where will I stay so I said my mums.
They didn't really want to discuss it any further and disappeared to play computer games again.
I really don't know what I can tolerate. And I do need to see a counsellor before I make any hasty decisions. Hey it's only been eight months.
Last edited by Old Dog; 02/07/1504:51 PM.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
It depends on you. If you read my sitch you will know that I can tolerate H chasing OWs and dating. In fact in reality H is much confused by this, and he is guilty and ashamed, how do I know? He told me. My ring stays on, H takes his on and off so often it would make one dizzy.
Am I laid back about it, absolutely not.
I am detached from it and not hurt by it. My views are quite straight forward on this OPs are generally a change down from the partner left behind. When I was unwell I spent my time in analysis of the various OPs on the site and here is my examination of it. Posted on Dawns thread.
OP
I have observed they fall into several categories none of which seem terribly stable. It could be that a WAS or MLC looks to find an ego boost so chooses an easily influence OP, who is not developed as a person and often less than spouse.
Here is Vs a light look at some categories of OP:
1. An innocent or numpty, perhaps young but inexperienced easily persuaded and availability is total. This type is likely to cling and be dependent, to want long term and permanent. Will have poor boundaries as inexperienced, likely that WAS will cheat and cover it up. Will post lots of cute couple pictures on fb once WAS is S. Could feel guilty if A exposed. Prognosis for long term poor as naive will grow up as the limmerance wears off.
2. Narc overt or covert Only interested in married partners, keen to break up marriage to boost own ego. Initially dangerous but will get bored and moves on to break up next marriage. May even tease but ultimately pull away. May break up marriage deliberately to feel superior. May even marry for money before moving on, leaves WAS poorer. Do not challenge as this will only increase the ego boost for the narc. prognosis for long term non existent.
3. BPD Will stalk WAS, charm and then bunny boil. Hard to get rid of, think Glenn Close or the H in gaslight. Stay out of the way of the venom and let WAS deal with the Sitch. Will burn out and repel WAS as the mask falls. Could be dangerous, LBS strategy you can have him. long term no chance.
4. Drama Queen or Poison Baby Will run down spouse of WAS as is afraid the spouse is wonderful and feels inferior. Will try to poison WAS against spouse, may turn up on LBS doorstep and say leave WAS alone, likely to spy, accuse WAS of cheating with spouse, will tantrum and be petulant. gives WAS a taste of own medicine. May even attempt to alienate children and family of WAS. Master in emotional blackmail. No challenge directly by LBS, flirt with WAS will drive this type into more bad behaviour and make more insecure. Short term only.
5. Skank, pond scum and easy lay or bike Exactly what it says on the tin, for one night only or a repeat late nighter. Sex available but not always that good. Very insecure and often superficial, may even be married and a serial cheat. A danger to health. No self respect and no respect from WAS either. Could even be an escort. WAS likely not to want to acknowledge connection. Not worth a thought. Not even short term.
6. In lurve soulmate Ideal companion in early flushes of infatuation but in the fullness of time every day life will cause tensions as WAS has to meet increasing demands of a more normal relationship. Ultimately brown grass not greener grass. Possible longer term but likely a transitional partner to asuage loneliness and aid movement. Allow to run its course, if LBS interferes then it is WAS and OP against the world. Lasting up to 2 years.
7. Lost love Rose coloured glasses, the past relationship between the two failed to make it because of incompatibility or perhaps never started so will this. WAS unlikely to meet lost loves expectations or memory especially if they are in MLC. Illusion shattered. lasting up to 2 years.
8. Charmer or Mata Hari More selective than one nighter chooses the most attractive prey or may be for money. Sex as art. May play games and may be satisfied with EA, long play in seduction after control. No interest in a R at all. About the conquest not the sex. This is all about the chase, may even be married. Could be a work colleague or long distant. Might be a catfish or online. Once caught will extract and leave WAS wanting. Will not tolerate chase. Ignore as no relationship possible.
9. Minds eye WAS is limmerant but target is remote or uninterested. Possibly flattered initially but really involved elsewhere. Eventually will be rejecting and carry garlic. Could be non sexual, addicted, involved or imaginary. wAS will chase as target pulls away. No relationship possibility at all.
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OD, if the dating really upsets you then it is time for a big boundary.
V's boundary is
no OW in my home and at the holiday flat.
If you have sex in your car then we travel in my car. H changed his car as a result.
No texting or communications at home or in the office where I or any of the staff can know.
Whilst you are with or chasing OWs then family events only, that can change if this behaviour ceases.
I do not want to watch, hear about or know that you are having sex. No condoms in the house or car. Keep them in your golf bag. What you do whilst you stay away is none of my concern as we are S. I will deal with V emotions on this, generally V stay with bestie or orange wednesday pal.
V reserves the right to enforce these boundaries.
OD I think it important you discuss with IC. And for your own sanity GAL on Valentine's day!
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/07/1505:09 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
OM is her ex boss so they know each other well and used to confide in how useless most of the other employees were at her previous job. He is still there. He's divorced. Had a daughter who suddenly died of meningitis aged 10 a few years ago when WAW was still there.
I recently found a note on the iPad from 30th Aug that said 'I have thought you beautiful from the first moment we met xxxx'. I have no proof that it's him but ...
Help me say 'so what'.
Valentines day is also her birthday. I could use the excuse that there's a festival going on the town I stay in during the week.
Last edited by Old Dog; 02/07/1506:07 PM.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Go to the festival OD! I too am not looking forward to Valentines Day. I haven't thought about what I'm doing that day yet, but I would like a GAL plan ideally. Different for me as H is miles away and we are hardly in contact. But I don't want to mope around at home that day....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It is really yet another case of reframing. Whatever works for you in the circumstances. Of course there is no guarrantee that this will last for W and the contrary that it is temporary.
What type of OM wants to be with a W who is still living with her H even if she says she is S? Either a desperate one and W will get bored or an OM who is a seducer. I suspect W may be on a power high seducing the once big boss.
Sounds like flannel to me " you are beautiful" like a bad pick up line in a pub after the last order bell has sounded. On the lines of "you are an angel when did you fall from heaven?"
H uses these all the time, makes me smile.
I am glad you are calling W on her lie, but expect spew and rehearse for it. We DBers can help you do this if you need to. Forewarned is fore armed.
For instance
W: why did you tell my children I was dating? That is not your job?
Or do you say something first?
The children asked me where you were going and so I told them on a date. One of my boundaries W is that I will be honest with our children.
What will be your reply to put in a boundary and close down any argument? IC help may be important to you to decide exactly what you want OD.
In the meanwhile there is no reason why you need an excuse for V Day. Just a statement that you are away and no explanation In my book.
Oh W, have I mentioned that I am away next weekend? No W, I am away next weekend as I have plans. Yes I heard you W, but I am away. I shall be back xxxx.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/07/1507:07 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Rehearse for spew. That sounds so gross. I hate the word spew.
What can I say about telling the kids she's dating? If I don't mention it, I don't think they will either actually. Maybe they think it'll all blow over, but teling them I'm thinking of leaving is something I wish I'd kept under my hat now.
If I stay away next weekend, I'm not sure what her reaction will be as she's a big believer in birthdays and hers is on velentine's day. We always went out to celebrate her birthday and not valentines day.
I saw on the calendar she's marked down a friend of hers who lives in London. Looks like shes planning a visit. She hasn't told me she wants to do this though. So that's a double.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Good luck OD, and use that anger to drive you forwards. But be careful in the interaction with your W just be calm and firm in that and let her know what you plan to do.
Good luck with the job interview. Is that back nearer to home for you?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
