Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[rd500]

Hi. Just chimeing in on over analysing , imagine your R is planet. It's way off into space , all around are small insignificant stars , stars like , he's cals you darling , strokes your hair , cuddles you, etc. if he wants to work on R you will see the planet clearly all the rest are stars that you can analyse either way. He's calling you darling because he loves you or he's calling you darling because he feels guilty for not loving you. I'm sure you get what I mean Until you see the planet the stars will only confuse you and drive you mad with the analysis

I speak from experience. My W calls and text me everyday, will call me sweetheart , tells me our M was good ( mostly ) and tells me I'm a great father. It's all nice but just stars. She lives 20k away and is not coming home. It's a simple thing to explain but hard to put into practice. Stars

Hope you don't mind me posting and you take this as its intended. Take care. Rd

[susana4]

Sounds fine to me. But, I would now just think - he's gone for a week, I won't hear from him. And get on with your GAL plan....which sounds great btw. If he gets in touch you can always respond then...

Hi, Toots. I'd prepared myself to not hear from him at all this week, I was expecting NC. Although my DB coach suggested texting him partway through the week, just with something casual like "hope you're having a nice time".

But I miss him, and then I feel a guilty for missing him...

[susana4]

Hi. Just chimeing in on over analysing , imagine your R is planet. It's way off into space , all around are small insignificant stars , stars like , he's cals you darling , strokes your hair , cuddles you, etc. if he wants to work on R you will see the planet clearly all the rest are stars that you can analyse either way. He's calling you darling because he loves you or he's calling you darling because he feels guilty for not loving you. I'm sure you get what I mean Until you see the planet the stars will only confuse you and drive you mad with the analysis

I speak from experience. My W calls and text me everyday, will call me sweetheart , tells me our M was good ( mostly ) and tells me I'm a great father. It's all nice but just stars. She lives 20k away and is not coming home. It's a simple thing to explain but hard to put into practice. Stars

Hope you don't mind me posting and you take this as its intended. Take care. Rd

Hi RD, of course I don't mind! thanks for your post. I think I understand what you're saying. But I get a bit confused about how we are supposed to measure results (according to DR) and also not overanalyse, and detach? Some times it seems contradictory to me to detach and not think about what they are doing, but also measure results...

[susana4]

And RD, I get what you mean. H is nice to me and seems to want to spend time together, he says he loves me and is attracted to me and doesn't want to be with anyone else... I could drive myself mad (and have done) questioning how he can say these things and still want a D, or what those things mean, or why he is doing this.

I so have an overanalysing problem in general though!

[Sotto]

Yes, my H has done a lot of this when we've talked....which isn't much lately...thinks I'm beautiful, hasnt fallen out of love, sees me as his lover....and you do end up thinking - so why do we have a problem here!!?

[susana4]

Yes, my H has done a lot of this when we've talked....which isn't much lately...thinks I'm beautiful, hasnt fallen out of love, sees me as his lover....and you do end up thinking - so why do we have a problem here!!?

Ha, oh I feel you on this one Toots!

[susana4]

I've been debating posting this for a few days now but it keeps weighing on my mind. I know I should stay out of H's sandbox and in mine, but I've been really worried about his level of drinking recently especially after some things came out during his friend's visit this week.

I know some people on the forums have some experience with alcoholism. I don't think H is an alcoholic but I'm worried he's heading that way and I want to know if there's anything I can do to help.

To give you some background, alcohol's been a bit of a contentious issue in our M, so I'm not sure if I can broach the subject.

Background

H has always been a fairly annoying drunk and it's caused arguments between us on occasion. Early on in our R I suggested cutting back on drinking on both our parts, so we wouldn't have silly drunken arguments and he got VERY upset and said he didn't want to cut back.

Things came to a head after he went to visit his brothers one weekend and came back really ill from drinking and it lasted 3 days. He'd burst all the blood vessels in his eyes, too.

I told him this wasn't healthy, he shouldn't allow his brothers to pressure him to drink so much, he needed to learn his limits, etc. I was quite upset and angry and I said things I shouldn't have, mean things like telling him he was being childish and needed to act like a grownup.

Looking back, I approached it all wrong. I was scared for his health, but it came out as anger. I criticised him and I now know better. I think I must have made him feel inadequate and bad about himself. He reacted by drinking less and spending less time with his brothers, and it came out post-BD that he felt like I kept him away from his family and friends.

Well, unfortunately I didn't really realise that criticism wasn't working so I carried on criticising his drinking at other points in our M, like on a Friday night when we'd usually watch a movie together at home and he'd drink to get drunk. Again, he cut back on the drinking - so I thought my criticism had "worked", and didn't realise he resented it (again, came out post BD).

When he told me he wanted a divorce, he said it was because he "didn't feel like himself any more". He listed a few things, but a lot of it seemed to revolve around drinking, and seeing his friends and family. Since BD he has gone out drinking a LOT with friends and family. It's all he really does.


He also told me 2-3 times after BD that "he doesn't blame me for not wanting to be with someone who drinks so much, and drinks to get drunk in his own home just watching a movie".

(I told him that's not true, I do want to be with him but I was worried for his health and safety)


Today

I know now criticism doesn't work ever, so as one of my 180s I've stopped all criticising.

And because alcohol was an issue in our M I don't feel like I can bring it up.

But I'm worried for him.

I also directly told him before in the past that I thought he had a problem with alcohol. He always says he doesn't because he doesn't have problems with his job and he doesn't drink in the morning or to get up. He also told me there are cultural differences(I'm American, he's English and we live in the UK). I don't think he's an alcoholic but I do think he has problems/misuses it, here's why:
*He said he could never go a Friday without drinking, he has to have a drink to relax after work.
*He says if he's on vacation, he has to drink every day
*I've never seen him have only 1 drink. Once he starts, he can't stop.
*Every time he drinks with his brothers, he drinks so much he throws up. Once, he drank so much he made himself vomit so much he burst all the blood vessels in his eyes.

I'm worried it's getting worse since BD (or maybe I'm just seeing it more because he's not forcing himself to drink less because of my criticisms).

Since BD:
*He spent between £300-400 (approx $450-600) on alcohol in under a week
*He told his friend the other day he was drunk all but 2 days in January
*He told same friend it had been 2 days since the last time he drank and he had been thinking all day how he couldn't wait to have a drink with the friend later, it seemed like so long since he'd had a drink
*I believe he's been averaging around 60 alcohol units/week in the last month

I know criticising isn't helpful. I don't know that much about alcohol abuse/misuse, but I'm also guessing straight out telling someone you think they're misusing alcohol doesn't work.

I'm wondering if anyone with experience of it can tell me if there is any way to help someone in this situation, or help him get help.

[susana4]

I also just noticed (right after I wrote this I looked over at our liquor cabinet) that there are several bottles missing...

Not sure how many. I think 2 bottles of rum, and 1/3 of a bottle of vodka. All those he got for Christmas and brought home around a month ago, and I guess he must have drunk those when he was at home alone and I was out. He hasn't been home alone that much, maybe 1-2 days a week.

[Sotto]

Hi Susana

I don't have much useful to offer here - other than agreeing that it sounds as though he has a problem with drinking.

Problem is, whilst you're concerned about it, you're probably not the person to assist him right now. For you though, if you both decide to work on your M going forwards, this may be a non-negotiable area. He needs to recognise how problematic his use of alcohol has become and seek support.

Ultimately though, he's going to have to wake up to this and decide within himself to take action. If he does, there's plenty of support out there, and networks such as AA have regular meetings and make a big difference to people's lives.

[susana4]

Hi Susana

I don't have much useful to offer here - other than agreeing that it sounds as though he has a problem with drinking.

Problem is, whilst you're concerned about it, you're probably not the person to assist him right now. For you though, if you both decide to work on your M going forwards, this may be a non-negotiable area. He needs to recognise how problematic his use of alcohol has become and seek support.

Ultimately though, he's going to have to wake up to this and decide within himself to take action. If he does, there's plenty of support out there, and networks such as AA have regular meetings and make a big difference to people's lives.

Thanks Toots, that does make sense. I know I can't criticise him into taking action, it's just hard watching someone you love spiral downward. I guess I'm still learning you can't control someone else's actions, even if you feel like they're hurting themselves. But yes, I think it would need to be addressed if we reconciled, if he keeps up or increases current levels of drinking.