Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

I've been debating posting this for a few days now but it keeps weighing on my mind. I know I should stay out of H's sandbox and in mine, but I've been really worried about his level of drinking recently especially after some things came out during his friend's visit this week.

I know some people on the forums have some experience with alcoholism. I don't think H is an alcoholic but I'm worried he's heading that way and I want to know if there's anything I can do to help.

To give you some background, alcohol's been a bit of a contentious issue in our M, so I'm not sure if I can broach the subject.

Background

H has always been a fairly annoying drunk and it's caused arguments between us on occasion. Early on in our R I suggested cutting back on drinking on both our parts, so we wouldn't have silly drunken arguments and he got VERY upset and said he didn't want to cut back.

Things came to a head after he went to visit his brothers one weekend and came back really ill from drinking and it lasted 3 days. He'd burst all the blood vessels in his eyes, too.

I told him this wasn't healthy, he shouldn't allow his brothers to pressure him to drink so much, he needed to learn his limits, etc. I was quite upset and angry and I said things I shouldn't have, mean things like telling him he was being childish and needed to act like a grownup.

Looking back, I approached it all wrong. I was scared for his health, but it came out as anger. I criticised him and I now know better. I think I must have made him feel inadequate and bad about himself. He reacted by drinking less and spending less time with his brothers, and it came out post-BD that he felt like I kept him away from his family and friends.

Well, unfortunately I didn't really realise that criticism wasn't working so I carried on criticising his drinking at other points in our M, like on a Friday night when we'd usually watch a movie together at home and he'd drink to get drunk. Again, he cut back on the drinking - so I thought my criticism had "worked", and didn't realise he resented it (again, came out post BD).

When he told me he wanted a divorce, he said it was because he "didn't feel like himself any more". He listed a few things, but a lot of it seemed to revolve around drinking, and seeing his friends and family. Since BD he has gone out drinking a LOT with friends and family. It's all he really does.


He also told me 2-3 times after BD that "he doesn't blame me for not wanting to be with someone who drinks so much, and drinks to get drunk in his own home just watching a movie".

(I told him that's not true, I do want to be with him but I was worried for his health and safety)


Today

I know now criticism doesn't work ever, so as one of my 180s I've stopped all criticising.

And because alcohol was an issue in our M I don't feel like I can bring it up.

But I'm worried for him.

I also directly told him before in the past that I thought he had a problem with alcohol. He always says he doesn't because he doesn't have problems with his job and he doesn't drink in the morning or to get up. He also told me there are cultural differences(I'm American, he's English and we live in the UK). I don't think he's an alcoholic but I do think he has problems/misuses it, here's why:
*He said he could never go a Friday without drinking, he has to have a drink to relax after work.
*He says if he's on vacation, he has to drink every day
*I've never seen him have only 1 drink. Once he starts, he can't stop.
*Every time he drinks with his brothers, he drinks so much he throws up. Once, he drank so much he made himself vomit so much he burst all the blood vessels in his eyes.

I'm worried it's getting worse since BD (or maybe I'm just seeing it more because he's not forcing himself to drink less because of my criticisms).

Since BD:
*He spent between £300-400 (approx $450-600) on alcohol in under a week
*He told his friend the other day he was drunk all but 2 days in January
*He told same friend it had been 2 days since the last time he drank and he had been thinking all day how he couldn't wait to have a drink with the friend later, it seemed like so long since he'd had a drink
*I believe he's been averaging around 60 alcohol units/week in the last month

I know criticising isn't helpful. I don't know that much about alcohol abuse/misuse, but I'm also guessing straight out telling someone you think they're misusing alcohol doesn't work.

I'm wondering if anyone with experience of it can tell me if there is any way to help someone in this situation, or help him get help.