How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2

[LITB]

Hello Jan, Wonka, and Starsky. I'm feeling deadly serious. Here's where I am...

When I walked into the IC office the first day... I asked her to help me detach. That's my #1 priority. To make the life I want without feeling to look over my shoulder at W.

I don't remember my IC ever specifically telling me to D, so if I said that before I mischaracterized what she said.

IC is, though, big on boundaries and she has told me to seriously consider a legal agreement/mediation to make sure W keeps to a schedule and pays what she should pay. I would say she is pushing me to be realistic and to take real steps to move on and firmly protect myself and S12. To make it real for all of us instead of this separation limbo W seems to be happy to keep us all in.

True, though, IC did not seem to support my year plan to self improvement without filing anything. She said that was still me holding on to hope. From sitches I've read here holding on to hope is the kiss of death for R. Letting go of hope guarantees my life gets better and makes a space for the possibility of R. I've learned that much here from all of you.

Thing is... a legal separation agreement from what I understand is more a negotiation with W than filing for a fault D is. That's what I'm looking to understand from the L... how I get more leverage to get what works for me and S12.

So... I've read a number of sitches here where the advice from vets including you good people advising me here is always the same... pull away from wayward... fight legally for your for your kids and your money when needed... be firm and consistent with boundaries... GAL... get to the point where you don't need but might maybe just maybe very conditionally want W.

Where I am... right at the beginning of a bad sitch with a WAW that has been unbalanced and cursing and drinking and ugly and crazy to spend the rest of her life with an older man with 3 kids she met 5 months ago... I can see that any R I would want is years away and I do not need or want W now. I can clearly see not being excited about an R with her unless she changes a lot. That me and my son would be great without R. I spend a little more time thinking about the possibilities in life now than thinking about how hurt I've been.

So I want to live now. I want to move away from this city summer after next. If it takes a fault D to make that happen where I can get custody of my son then I'm there.

Also, if filing ends the power struggle with W and shows her again this is not the party she expected it to be then all the better.

So my terms are not R at any cost. My terms are a wonderful woman I can see is invested and loving towards me and S12. This is not W.

Thanks to this board... I did not wait for W to separate from me. I separated from her and took S12 with me (thank you again Wonka). I never would have believed it possible to get control of my life at the beginning of this when I was just waiting for W to choose me.

Now, waiting for her to set a schedule and tell me if she can pay her share and let me move where I want to with S12 while she gives me attitude and likely talks to another man more than her son isn't working for me. She did not call tonight to ask about S12's basketball game. Did not call to say good night to him. She not worth waiting for and I can't change her.

So like was said here... I'll start by being collaborative about the schedule and we'll see if she pays her part of tuition. I'll prepare a plan for legal separation agreement or D that works for me if it comes to that. If I get completely sick of her antics then I can pull that trigger.

If I lose her doing so... I lose nothing b/c she's already gone and I'm quickly beginning to see how that's a good thing.

And maybe that's the best hope my MR has.

HP,

This is very well thought out. If these feelings remain consistent over the next week/month, then I don't think anyone can argue with you filing for separation/divorce. From what I gather, you are prepared for the outcome either way. That's the key.

Making such a significant life decision with conviction, demonstrates strength and courage. Two traits that are attractive, and garner respect.

We all DB at our own pace. You are doing well. Stay humble my friend.