Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

Went to the doctor today and was prescribed ADs for depression and anxiety. Unfortunately my doctor has left the practice (she's been amazing throughout my sitch) and this was my first time with a new doctor and she was not all that helpful in answering my questions - just felt like she wanted to write the prescription and rush me out the door.

[susana4]

Tarheel, I saw that you sent your W an email asking her thoughts on how you hurt her/your issues so you could work on them; how did that go? I considered this conversation with H but haven't asked him, it 's just that he never really told me his reasons. He told me stuff he'd done wrong and took on a lot of blame himself but he didn't really lay out his complaints about my behaviour. It might hurt to hear but I also want to improve myself and it would help to have an honest evaluation.

To no surprise, she hasn't responded. I recall a few mos after BD I asked the same thing of her and she never responded then either. I'm sure there have been other times I've asked these past 16 mos as well. My guess is that she's already communicated those things to me at some point and I was hearing her, but not 'listening' to her. It doesn't matter- I'm working on things I think I should be working on regardless if W and I are to reconcile. I want to work on things for my benefit, not hers.

That makes sense, sounds along the lines of what I've been doing - just focusing on things I've realised I want to change about myself. I guess I just worry there's something I've missed. Sometimes it's easier for people outside us to see the big picture about us, rather than us realising these things about ourselves. So I thought he may have a better perspective than I do. But I also don't want to pressure him into a discussion.

[susana4]

susana, I just wanted to chime in here that it sounds like you are doing amazing in your progress! You have come so far in how you are handling things since your first thread. Keep up the good work you are doing.

Thank you Squiggy!! It's really nice to hear some positive encouragement, you've made my evening. Sometimes it's hard to feel like I've made progress when I'm in the middle of everything.

[susana4]

I need some help. I've been thinking a lot recently how I never apologised to H, and I don't know if I should.

Spoke to my DB coach and she's suggested writing a letter explaining and accepting my part in it all (not to send to H), and I can either not tell him (if it's been helpful just to write the letter), or we can then we can go through the letter and pick out the one most important point that I will tell him at some point (when there's a good moment, in person).

[susana4]

H left for his week-long snowboarding trip tonight. He kind of seemed a bit weird when he said bye (either like he didn't care at all, or was pretending. at one point he seemed to sort of choke up though), but I'm trying not to let that bother me. He cleaned the house before he left, which was odd (but nice!).

I'm wondering how to best use this time.

I have some GAL plans but I'm wondering if there's anything else I can or should be doing.

My GAL this week:
-Tomorrow: belly dancing class (first time - bit nervous but excited!), meeting a friend who's visiting the country for coffee, going to a tango show.
-Sunday: not sure yet. I've signed up for a 4-hour yoga class that I found on Meetup but I'm a bit terrified!
-Monday: think I might take the evening 'off of GAL' to just relax at home
-Tuesday: Meetup for people who love travel (never been to this Meetup, slightly terrified but should be good)
-Wednesday: DB coach call (ok, this isn't GAL but it's part of my plan for the week!)
-Thursday: drinks with a friend who recently moved back to the country
-Friday: roller disco (!!) with friends

[susana4]

He cleaned the house before he left, which was odd (but nice!).

I have to admit my first reaction was actually annoyance because he didn't do the dishes, but then I caught myself being critical (one of my 180s), stopped and reminded myself that he did the laundry and straightened up in the living room and put stuff away. All that when I know he was running late and his packing took longer than expected.

Does gratitude/saying thanks count as pursuit? I hope not. I've been trying to give compliments and say thanks more, so I texted him and said "Thank you for putting away the laundry and stuff, it was really nice to come home to a clean house. 😊 Thanks for putting it away even though you must have been in a rush."

[susana4]

Feeling kind of stupid right now. H away for the next week and I already miss him... Why do I still miss H when he goes away on holiday? He probably doesn't miss me at all!

[susana4]

On the plus side, belly dancing class was so fun and made me feel really sexy! (Now if only I could take that feeling and go home to H and ML... )

[susana4]

2x4s at the ready, please..

I think I took things too far and got pursuing, either that or I'm overanalysing. Which I do a lot of, and I know I need to stop, because it's not helping me detach.

Last couple of days H has been fairly flirty and touching me more than usual, so I tried to get a bit flirty by text (our texts have just been about practical, house-related stuff lately) and I think I went too far and scared him.

It started with me texting him after he left for his ski holiday last night and he's been texting me back last night and today:

Me: Thank you for putting away the laundry and stuff, it was really nice to come home to a clean house. 😊 Thanks for putting it away even though you must have been in a rush. Hope you have a great time, enjoy your snowboarding!
H: That is okay. Thank you. See you next week
H: I hope you had fun tonight. Was the Dancing good?
Me: I did, thank you. &#128522; Who do you think was better - the professional dancers or us? &#128521; (£5 if you get the right answer &#128539;) <<I'd gone to see a tango show and H and I were joking beforehand about who would be better, since we did tango classes together over the summer
H: Us
Me: Congrats, you win £5 (or a pint!) Have a nice flight!
H: Thanks we just got to our place. It is very nice. Hope you are well

Did I scare him off by saying he'd won a pint (implying I'd buy him a drink)? "Hope you are well" just sounds so formal - like what he'd say to his boss in an email, rather than me. Or am I just overanalysing?

Maybe I should be happy he told me he got there safely (he *never* does that and used to think I was crazy if I asked him to).

[Sotto]

Sounds fine to me. But, I would now just think - he's gone for a week, I won't hear from him. And get on with your GAL plan....which sounds great btw. If he gets in touch you can always respond then...