Thank you for stopping by Zelda! I'll pop over to your thread later today after I catch up on your sitch.
I like your use of the "as-if" technique. Sometimes I worry about building "bad" habits (like, it's okay to ignore my needs -- I'll still be happy and nice, etc) but I think my H is far more likely to respond to positivity than negativity.
The past week or so has been pretty good. H went out of town for a few days for work and I just let him be -- didn't call or text or anything while he was gone. When he came back he was friendly, but not overly so. This is where things have a tendency to go downhill for us. I think I've just given him what he wants/needs in spades, and he comes back and says, "Did you have a good few days?" and thinks that's enough.
This time, I ended up reaching out and trying to explain that when I give a lot, I expect a lot in return (rightly or wrongly) and when I don't get it, I worry that he's not committed anymore, etc. The first part of the conversation was rocky because H saw it as (once again!) me accusing him of not being the person I want him to be. He said, "I just want you to accept me for who I am." And I said, "I'm sorry you think I don't accept you. I really do -- faults and personality quirks and all. I am asking you to change something about how you interact with me, just as you have asked me to do the same re: conflict. I want to be accepted too, and being affectionate is how I know that you accept me."
That last thought had been rattling around in my brain for a while, but I'd not gotten a chance to say it to H yet. It ended up changing the whole tenor of the conversation. I went over to his house that night and we cuddled and watched TV together. The next morning, he sent me a text that said, "Last nice was nice. Thank you." I gave him space for a few days, and we are going on a date tonight. I feel like we are in a good rhythm. Other than the conversation above (abt 30 min), we've not had any R talk/conflict in almost 2 weeks.
Something I'm curious about:
At BD, I asked H to go to IC and he said he would. But, he never did. I worry a little bit about him finding an IC who encourages him to D, but I do think he would benefit from IC (and hey, so might our M).
Our current MC didn't have us do individual appts in the beginning like most MC. A few sessions ago, he explained that this was because we came to him in a crisis, and he prioritized stability over personal history. He then said that he felt like we were stable enough to start exploring those other issues, so we both made individual appts. I went in for mine and it was completely normal. H went in for his, and they didn't finish, so he had to make another appt. His 2nd appt was a few days ago and we go back together next week.
I'm thinking of suggesting to H that he see our MC for IC. Clearly, he has a lot to talk abt! Our MC is very pro-marriage and seems very fair. I'm not worried that it would slant him to my H's side at all. What do you think?
