phunguy - Welcome here. I'm sorry you're in such a position. You're at the start of a long and difficult journey. There are things you won't like to hear around here, but hopefully they'll help you deal with your situations. It's great that you have major hitters like sandi2 and MrBond already paying attention.
Try creating a signature like mine, in your profile. It helps people to understand your situation.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Why? B/c I said I didn't know if your W would give you another chance? Okay, well I don't have to post, if you are too sensitive to what I say. There are plenty of good people here to support and encourage you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Today I am going to work on setting some reasonable goals for myself. Today is going to be a good day and I will do everything I can to help that process. Run>house chores>Soccer game> me and the kids time
According to the anger book the first and most difficult thing is: Identify when anger arises within me and stop. Stop right there and attempt to understand what is said or done that is causing this emotion to arise. What am I thinking, feeling, or seeing that causes this feeling.
Since it appears unlikely that I will be able to speak much with my W today my goal for our R today is to be as pleasant and helpful as I can be in the time we have around the house together. She has plans to go out. Even though she will be leaving the house again tonight to spend the evening with her friend T. T is D'd her H cheated and left her and for two years or more I've felt I'm in competition with her for my wife's time and attention. I realize that I must change my reaction to T and my wife's friendship to be a positive thing as this was one item said to me by my W as being controlling. I will encourage her to spend time with her friend. The hurt for me comes when she most likely will not come home even though we are no longer sharing the bed this has been a source of great pain for me. T lives about an hour away and this is the reason given along with not wanting to drive after a few drinks.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Hi PH. Sorry your here. Please take this as its meant The vets on here have lived through what we are going through. They have an insight and hindsight that we cannot have due to experience. You are very lucky to have the vets take an interest in you so please take advantage of it. I also believe my W is finished with me but I will try everything I case I'm wrong. Life can change very quickly for people so no one can be 100% about the future. Even if your W is gone for good then you need help to deal with it and the vets can help you with that. People like me can offer support but we are still going through the pain.
I hope you get through this and your outcome is as you wish.
You're 100% right and I suppose you just summed up all my fears, my sitch, and I wasn't quite ready to face that. Thank you for pointing out what exactly it is that I'm up against it has already helped me to understand where I'm at.
This am Wife just told everyone she is s ending night at Ts house our son is hurt by this and said me and dad and S will do something fun without you, since you don't want to be with us, jaw dropper. I was stoic and she set the mood with him right out of the gate this morning.
On the other hand I've run feels good and chit chatted a bit t w/W about her dinner last night with her friends. Was a pleasant with her and reinforced my happiness for her having some fun after a tough week.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Just had an interesting exchange w/W she decided to tell me that she had "very insightful conversation" last night. She went out with the girls. All her girls are D it was one of their Bdays. Apparently she's thinking hard about her decision to withdraw and not work on the relationship for the last year or more. She said she thought she found a happy place(not engaging me in argument to keep her own happiness) but she realizes that this "actually made everything worse." If she's conflicted over this I think there may be some small shred of hope.
Maybe these ladies have helped her see that both of our actions have not been beneficial over the last year and maybe she is getting a better sense of what her decision might entail. She's told me she needs space and time to think. I told her to do whatever she needs and that I'm here for her. I could tell she was in heavy thought this am. She was not her normal self. It may be a good thing that she's spending time with these ladies I'm glad I've backed off trying to control this type of thing completely and will continue to detach. I think my behavior is also helping her to see I can change and control this anger problem I have.
Still devoted to the dream!
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Detaching and giving space definitely seems to be the best way forward. I was really scared of doing it at first for fear it might accelerate W's withdrawal, but it seems to have got her attention and I too had a very interesting conv w/W today. Things were said I wouldn't have believed I'd ever hear even just a week ago. Not going to start assuming anything, and I still think there's not much hope for me, but I just want to validate your strategy here.... if anything is going to work, then detachment and 180s are IT!!
Guys I know you both are newcomers and you are desperately wanting to see some positive sign in your W that will give a hint of hope. I often feel like the grim reaper coming in a thread and telling the H what he doesn't want to hear. I feel if he can grasp what is happening to her and get his immediate focus off his fear of losing her, he stands a much better chance of a happier life.
The WAW (or one who is about to walk) is a terrible unbalanced force. You cannot place expectations in her. It will be a disaster. You are the only stabling force in the lives of your family. As soon as you map out a plan to protect yourself and your kids from any sudden and unforeseen action from the WAW, the better. Get a plan together based on your standards, principles, values, etc. Do not base it on what your bruised heart may want at the moment. You are the protector over yourself and your kids.
You cannot place hope in a group of divorced women to convince her she needs to stay in the M. By that, I mean you cannot rely on others to do the work, while you do nothing and reap the benefits. It just doesn't work that way, long term. You cannot depend on others to put your M back together.
At this point in her WAW journey, the thing that will have the greatest direct hit on influencing her is "reality". Often times, that means the H has to step aside for her to get the full experience.
I know you want to believe love conquers all, etc. It is not my Intensions to destroy that belief. However, there is a huge difference in what one does to "improve" a MR......and what one does to bust a divorce. Mainly b/c this woman has changed. You are dealing with somewhat a stranger, now. The game plan has changed. Right now, you are trying to figure out that plan.
Your plan should be all about what is best for you and your children's activities and lives. (Going beyond the mindset that the M is what's best for everyone. It takes many, many steps before getting to that place.) I know how "off" that must sound, but you really have to back away from her to release pressure. Just being in the same room is pressure on her. What may have worked at one time, may not work at all, now. So it is a very confusing and painful time for everyone.
This is not giving up. It is simply a new and different way for you to fight for your M. As you free up pressure for her, more pressure will added to you.......UNLESS you learn how to emotionally detach from everything she says/does. That is the first step for all newcomer LBS. You have to learn not to take her personally.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
