Thanks job, Ellie, and AJ. I've had a really weird night. I had a lot of fun. D13 couldn't make the HG's bc of her game, so I took my dad and s instead. We had a good time.
The silence from xh is another adjustment. Taking me back to last year when I had to adjust to not speaking to him. Now, the silence it deafening again.
But, I kept thinking tonight how repulsed I am by him. How I think he is disgusting. How I just dont want anything to do with him. It made me sad at the same time. I wondered if I was falling out of love with him. It's a scary though, yet a relief at the same time.
Yet, when I got home, I saw he was at bil's. It was a relief. But, before I knew it, d13 was coming in (he dropped her off) and drove right off to hwws. It's late- after 10PM, so I guess he is heading there for the night. It makes me sick to my stomach. I know- the same thing, over and over and over. And everyone is sick of it- none more than me.
But why does this have to be right in my face? Why am I going through this. How long is this destruction going to continue? I mean seriously. I know that's a loaded question. But what is happening? He's back in the tunnel. Does that mean he is starting this crap all over? I just feel like with this baby and the house and crap- he is gone forever.
I know I need to get over it. I KNOW THIS! But, I mean, I just cannot stand them being this stupid f'ed up wanna be family- right in front of my face. I hate that it devalues my family. That he feels my kids are old to where it just doesn't count anymore. It feels like we have a missing piece. It is so vacant. We were so close. We did everything together. EVERYTHING! I mean, my kids, my husband, and I were together doing stuff and having fun all the time.
Now, everything has fallen apart. And the kids have just gone off independently and we hardly ever get together anymore, just the three of us. It is so evident that there is a missing piece.
And he is starting over with a new family. Before he even got rid of this one, he had one ready-baked.
So- how can I go from one minute feeling disgusted to the next minute like my heart is ripping out of my chest.
I know I have to let go. But something has gotta give. I am calm-ish when I see this stuff in my face, but it rips my insides apart. I just don't know what to do.
Is there like a metaphorical mountain I need to climb and once I get over it, I just won't care anymore?
Maybe a lobotomy?
I don't know. He is with his baby. That tears me up. His baby girl. We can't compete with that. Clearly.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to find happiness. How do I keep getting knocked to these lows? I mean L.O.W.S.
