Yep. Ran right into the brick wall called "Reality" after touching down since having her head high in the OW clouds.
Why don't you arrange a time to spend with your friends and leave W to take care of the kids by herself? Hey, you do need a break too!
Wonka -- she's doing almost exactly what you predicted... Oddly nice (with those attempts to look me in the eye and "connect") the first 24 hours back, then back into super monster mode...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Why don't you arrange a time to spend with your friends and leave W to take care of the kids by herself? Hey, you do need a break too!
Trying to figure out a date/time to do that... Definitely on the agenda for the near future... As for this weekend -- we have quite a few activities with the kids (sports, school stuff), so I'm just planning to be as nice as possible regardless of how much of a monster she wants to be.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Full-on Monster mode over here this weekend... Can cut the tension with a butter knife...
GAL'ing very soon... just told W I need to get out of the house for a bit... planning to meet a friend for lunch and enjoy myself for a little while...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Getting out of the house for a bit definitely helped me... had a great lunch with my friend.
Not sure if it made any reduction in monster mode... We are all heading out in a bit for family dinner at a new restaurant that just opened in the neighborhood... We shall see if her mood has improved at all since earlier today.
As for me -- getting out of the house and spending some time with my friend really helped calm the anxiety I was starting to feel. And yes, if you are wondering, I did not tell W where I was going or when I would be back. Just said I wanted to leave the house for a bit, and when I left I just said "I'll be back..." without being specific as to when... And no, I did not say it in a Terminator voice ;-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Well done! You seem to have it under control. Yeah, the monstering will happen and you must remember your personal boundaries about disrespectful comments/interactions from W. You count. You matter. You owe yourself that much.
Has been a long 24 hours... Will skip the details about dealing with a sick child and an ER visit yesterday (but W displayed some marvelous detachment and stupid behavior with regard to that -- and I countered with being really nice and helpful to her even though she didn't do that for me when I need it yesterday. #beingtheadult )
Didn't want to say anything here before I did this, because I know many people here would say I was putting pressure on my W. And I agree -- it is pressure in her mind -- but what I had to do this morning, I just had to do in order to stress to her the importance of my need for more honesty if we are going to move forward with separation in a healthy way (or as healthy as possible). This was also done at the request of her therapist -- long story about how he and I are communicating about her through a third party -- but he knows she lying to him and he can't help her unless she is honest with him.
This morning, after I dropped the kids off at school, I approached my barely awake W with a request to talk -- or at least have her listen to me. She agreed, but kept her arm over her eyes and never looked at me. I was very calm and started by telling her that I love her and our family and I want us to move forward in as healthy a way as possible... And that part of that for me is honesty. I told her that I love her, that I don't hate her, and that I now realize that I can forgive her -- have forgiven her -- for everything. I could tell she was putting up her walls as I continued. I then said that I know that her recent trip was not just a silent retreat -- that it was much more than that. She nodded her head yes in agreement. I said "Thanks, for at least being honest about that now... I'm sorry you felt that you had to lie to me about it." She then said "I didn't want you to get the wrong idea about why I was going over there." To which I replied "I can't imagine why else you would be going there..." And she replied "Well, that's not why I went..." I just said "Okay..." but what thinking "BS!"
Then I restated my need for more honesty and said "I know that you and OW are more than just friends." She gave the weirdest nod to that -- never opened her eyes and never spoke -- it was like she couldn't admit it but also couldn't deny it... almost like if she did speak she would have said "Well, think what you want to think..." It was really strange.
Then I just said thanks for listening to me, I need to go get ready for some meetings that I have this morning, and walked off. She remained on the sofa for about another hour while I went in my office to work.
Yes, I realize that she'll be in super monster mode after this, but things were already so bad around here and I know it's not going to get better for a long, looooooong time.
Hopefully something will happen soon with the job sitch and I'll be able to get away from her and let her be alone in her own misery and fantasy life with OW.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Finally got her to admit to the A in front of her therapist. Although she now claims that it wasn't an A until the trip took place... I stumbled over my words and did not clearly articulate back to her that yes, it was -- it was an EA that turned into a PA during the trip...
She also admitted to me that she's held resentment over the years over a lot of family stuff -- long story made short: She's very possessive of her family and I guess she never liked the fact that they embraced me as family and that I embraced them as family... WTF is supposed to happen when two people make a lifetime commitment to one another? No, we were not legally married, but our families didn't seem to care about the legal piece of paper to signify the family bond that we all developed. This shocked me and I am still reeling from this info...
Once again, it is apparent that she gets angry about things, does not communicate about them, and then lets things fester and build to the point where she no longer feels love for me...
She did admit that her possessiveness over her family is not fair to me, and she is very right about that... But she made it clear that she still feels possessive of them regardless of whether or not it's fair to me...
And I know that this has nothing to do with me -- so this is something she will carry on into her next relationship with someone else... For all I know, it might have been an issue in her past relationships as well and she just never admitted it to herself or anyone else.
Arrrrrrrrgggghhhhh.... MLC or not -- I can't meet someone half-way if they NEVER tell me something is bothering them...
Ugh.
So glad she has some work happy hour thing tonight... Also glad the the A and OW are now no longer a secret (at least between us and her therapist)...
But this whole situation just blows... And the more that is revealed to me, the more I understand how unfair all of this is to me and to our kids.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Had a long talk with my mom about this new issue re: possessiveness over W's family -- and now realize that this is a huge internal issue on her part (definitely not my fault at all) and probably something that stems from her childhood and growing up apart from her dad's side of the family... Wow... We've been together for nearly 10 years and I've never noticed this about her, nor has she ever expressed this to me... But what a HUGE issue on her part...
So basically, instead of allowing me (her partner) to develop healthy family bonding with her family members, she's been jealous all of these years of the healthy bonds that we have developed... Normal, healthy bonding that most people would WANT their partner/spouse to develop with their family members. Am I wrong about this?
Isn't it healthy to bond with your spouse's family? For you to be see as a sibling, child, cousin, etc.?
Or am I the one who has the unhealthy view on this?
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
You seem to have it under control. Yeah, the monstering will happen and you must remember your personal boundaries about disrespectful comments/interactions from W. You count. You matter. You owe yourself that much.