Do you get so mad, you have some sort of blackout in your memory? Now that is really angry! And you have no idea why. Doesn't make sense why you never tried to get help, but you can do it now. It is not too late. And please, don't just go see someone, to help you get your W back. You really need to break this before it cycles over to your kids.
What about your poor little boy? He will grow up affected by your treatment of him. It is so tragic. You have a lot of years to work through, and lot of hurt to heal. I am concerned for your M, of course, but honestly, I am a lot more worried about the pyscological affects.
I commend you for taking that book to heart. It does takes courage to confess your faults. It takes a lot more to correct them. But I don't think it will be a simple matter of correcting a bad habit, b/c this anger of yours is a way of life. I want to encourage you to seek a well qualified psychiatrist and don't go to some "counselor". This is something that runs very deeply.
If I had been M to a man like that, I think it would have killed my love. And violence is not needed to kill love. It is the cruelty you unleash on the other person. Those who you claim to love the most. Thing is, you control it at work or social places, so that would tell me that you "can" control it. It is a choice to berate and demean your W and child. To take out all your bad feelings on them. To make them feel utterly worthless. And that is what kills their love.
IDK if your W will ever give you another chance, but your son probably will. It may take a long time to turn yourself around, but it can be done. I have seen it done. It is up to you. It always has been.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
