Devotion to a dream...

[phunguy]

I have not seen a therapist, yet. I've reached out to a few this week. So hopefully soon.

Marital history. Where to start... We met when I was 21 and she 18, summer 1994. Shortly thereafter she moved in with me. About a year or so later we got engaged. The post engagement period was joyous and fun. But at some point we had begun to fight. At some point in here we called it all off and she moved back home but after a few weeks she came back to me. We seemingly mended and moved on. We were engaged for about 5 years before we finally married in 2001. That was a great time in our lives, we were together, making a little money, bought our first house. To say our relationship was rocky would be an understatement, it was bouldery during those post marriage years. We partied, we fought, we'd make up, we loved, we had no obligations but ourselves. Though during this time, she tells me that I wanted to keep her from her family(something she told she has a deep resentment of me for), I suppose this was the feeling of being alone, or not having control of her or being inadequate. It lead to many fights and eventually I stopped going to her family functions, I guessed they hated me, well that was the excuse I'd use. It was as good as it was bad when we were young. And the answer I suppose the anger question is right in here, yes, I think somewhere in here is when I started to get angry about anything. I have been angry for a long time I suppose. We decided to move from the place we grew up in 2005. A fresh start for our 30's. I went back to college to finish my degree. We had our first child in 2006. I was 33 and she 30. A boy, my namesake, we were happy on the outside I guess, I was happy to have a son and still loving every minute of being with her but still struggling in the R, I had always thought she would leave me, because of my anger. We were together but not to-gether. Fighting, making up, the cycle, and I can recall many sleepless nights wondering if she was leaving. Since then, we have been through hell, lost our house in the recession when I lost my job in 2008, and managed to work our way back. We decided about 3 years ago to have another child,and buy a house at the same time, she wasn't sure about having another child, I guess I talked her into it according to her. That was an unbelievably stressful time. She told me the other night, that she gave in to my request hoping it would change me. Heard this story from her for the first time last week, we were in the Dr. office for the ultrasound, and we were told it was a girl, I don't really remember it this way, but she says, she could see the disappointment and anger in my face, that I asked them to double check, and when the nurse said nope its a girl and showed me on the screen, I said something like, well got to get back to work and walked out. I suppose as she says I crushed her. She never told me that until last week when she said she wanted a divorce. Today, I'd tell you that was so stupid of me, I don't recall that happening in that way, but she does, so it must be, I recall it being a very hectic and stressful time in my life. A baby on the way trying to buy a house, sheesh piling it on. I love my daughter and feel ashamed to even relay this. Anyways, the last 3 years have been hard, I'm more quick to yell, I don't hit, am not violent. I've taken out the anger on her and my son to a fairly major degree. The last year she has completely withdrawn to the point of doing almost nothing with me. I have been even more suspicious of her cheating because she was withdrawing, She says shes tried to talk to me but I don't listen. She says she's tried. Today Me: 41 W: 38 S8 D3

I'm generally angry with everything, everyday. It's horrible. I put on a good exterior at work and in social settings. Though I've managed by sheer will power not to yell and scream for over a week now. I know I need help. I know I've hurt her for a long period of time. I know she has stuck by me longer than just about any person in my life. I know this is all my fault.

I get so angry I have no idea what I say, I cannot remember half the time. I would usually belittle and berate her, call her names, put her down, etc.

Like I said it's no wonder she wants to leave me and doesn't believe that I can change.