Devotion to a dream...

[phunguy]

My god I’m in the dumps today. This Anger book is really getting me thinking about what I’ve done to my family and mostly my wife. How anger made me controlling and mean. The verbal lashing out is nothing compared to how I feel inside. I never touch on this stuff in our M. I don’t like to go here, I just trudge on trying to be a good H. It hurts, a lot. I had extended my control somehow because of feeling alone. I would always “give her [censored]” and of course the [censored] is the 20 questions; Where are you going? Why are you leaving me? Wo are you going with? Why don’t you invite me? Can’t you be here with me and the children? I don't want you to go. Then of course she’d stay out all night and sometimes not even come home. She wants to leave me because I pushed her away with my anger, but underneath that is a sad and lonely man. She says she doesn’t love me anymore and it is the worst feeling, feeling inadequate and alone which it seems I've been for some time now. When all I want is to be connected to her in a loving and caring way. Real intimacy, real love.

I feel very alone and have for a long time. But as usual I had expressed these feelings in a very wrong way. A hurtful way. There never was much intimacy between W and I. I cannot recall really feeling close to her in a long time. We’ve not been a team, we’ve not been sharing our feelings, and well she admits to giving up and “checking out”. How can I blame her? The very anger that I had at feeling alone, as a parent, as a lover(lost?) and as a friend created this spiral. Further, trying to be emotionally available making me vulnerable combined with feeling alonegs added to being seen as a failure or not strong by her. These feelings fueled the same resentments she has toward me. Further fueling my aloneness and anger oh my the anger I have at being alone! I drove her away, I drove her away because she made me alone. What I need to know is if she sees that. Or do I even care what she sees anymore? She obviously doesn’t want me anymore. I’m so [censored] pathetic….. am I ever going to stop crying? I can’t get this out of my mind, meditation… nope… walk on lunch… nope bury in work… hahaha nope… hopefully a good run after work will help.