I think I thought of something. When I was a kid, I had a lot of anger. There were things in my childhood which really pi$$ed me off. I was a fighter. Confrontational. Didn't take krap from anyone. (Maybe a bit of Napoleon syndrome?? At 5'1??)
Anyway- having my son totally chilled me out. I went from my dad's anger to a bit more of my moms patience. But, I was still no pushover. As I got older I chilled more so, gradually.
But, you pretty much always knew where I stood. I was very capable of speaking my mind.
After bd, I let things roll off my back bc I just didn't care that much about "stuff". I didn't have too much of an opinion about things. And if I did, I would state them directly and succinctly. But, truthfully, most things didn't matter so much.
I think now, the anger is resurfacing. The rage. I feel like I may have been trying to goat xh into a heated battle. I think I wanted to hurt him, hit below the belt, scream, and flip-out. I am well aware that this solves nothing, but I am now just realizing this.
I am one pi$$ed chick.
I am starting to feel a bit of a switch- a fire in my belly. Like, to use that energy to drive me to better places. I know, right now xh, and all the time, HWW- they ain't $hit. Ha! (In my most bad @ss voice.)
I've got to use it to drive me to better places. But man, would I love a battle right now. I know better- don't get worried. Whew...
Just something I realized. I think it has brought out some seriously old habits and feelings.
