Seperated and she is with someone - I'm desperate

[sandi2]

I need to convince myself to stay the course. And ur right I don't know how she thinks anymore. She has changed so much it's incredible and disturbing. I feel she's been spiraling out of control for a long time and has landed in a place and with friends that are all similar and support who she is now.

What do you see as "staying the course". A lot of men talk about fighting for their M. What you see as fighting for it, might not be effective methods. For example, how many men believe talking to the W and getting her to see things "right", or convince her to give it another chance......is fighting for the M? I bet you do, too. It does not work with a WW.

I cant help but think it will take a miracle for her to break out of where she is enough to see a path forward with me. But I truly love her and I'm nowhere near ready to give up hope.

You do not have to convince anyone how much you love her, and i don't think anyone here on the board will tell you to give up hope.

About it taking a miracle..........I don't believe it works like that. The "miracle" that brings her out to find her path is called "reality bites". And the only way you can help her is by not rescuing her, not enabling her, not being available, and not acting like her BFF, etc. B/c the longer the LBH does those things while she is in this place, the less likely she will come out of it, and at best......prolongs it.

I'm really struggling with a desire to write WAW a letter acknowledging the things I saw in our M which I believe led us to where we are, I've not necessarily acknowledged any of this although I have told her I understood there were many things that I didn't do correctly in our M and would change if given the opportunity.

Look, a lot of men have done the letter writing. If you want to put your feelings down on paper for your own therapy, fine. But do not give her any letters. Do you want to know the best response you will get from her? "Thanks", and that's all. It will have no effect on the situation. You are still trying to fix this, b/c you think you are sitting around doing nothing to fight for her.

You have to stop thinking about this as "winning", as you previously stated. This is not a competition, and some men get so focused on winning back the WAW instead of working on themselves........and then it leads to other problems.

You must get ous[/b] about working that calendar and filling it with GAL activities. The fact you felt weird and uncomfortable being out without your W, should show you how dependent you have become on the MR itself. You need to find your own identity again. Who are you, besides someone's daddy? What did you use to enjoy before you became someone's H?

I know it is hard to do, b/c mainly, you feel self-conscious about being alone when you go somewhere. People tend to use their spouse as a social crutch. So, take advantage of your time away from the kids and do things you couldn't, otherwise. Then when you have them, do things they enjoy. Just get out of that house and stop sitting around feeling your loneliness.

I like many men would clam up and not talk if we had differences, she felt/feels I'm passive agressive which I agree I have been on occassions and i do worry that she may see my NC as another passive/agressive approach even though that's certainly not why I'm staying away.

Heard it all before. Still doesn't work b/c the timing is off. You waited too late. You may get another chance if she pulls through this and is ready to hear it, but now is not the time.

You worrying what she may think about you NC is your fear talking. Do not give in to this feeling.

BTW, i can't hardly turn on the radio anymore. Can't anyone write lyrics that don't somehow make you feel bad and realize what you've lost?

Yes, I can believe it. That is why I loved the old rock-n-roll. It had a great beat and made no sense. However, it was hard to feel sad when you listened to it.

Get you some upbeat CD's to play. Watch movies that are funny, suspenseful, or action packed. Don't enable your loneliness/sadness. You actually have to guard against the loney and sad evenings by planning ahead and working at filling in the gaps so that you are not quite so vulnerable at whatever falls on you. And then if you should hear or see something that causes a few bad moments, you experience the feeling, and then do something to help yourself move on. Don't just wallow in it.