Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

I'm feeling a lot more positive today, like some of the cloud from earlier this week has lifted.

Last week I think I may have taken things too far in terms of being friendly but distant, and H accused me of being 'mean'. Not sure if that was related to me being distant, or his own issues, but this week I've made an effort to be friendlier.

Might get some 2x4s for this, but earlier this week I asked H if he wanted to go geocaching at some point. It may seem a bit pursuing but I also wasn't that invested in it so I didn't really mind whether he said yes or no. It wasn't too date-like and it felt right. He said yes and he seemed genuinely excited - he kept bringing it up over the course of the week.

We agreed to go last night but first he had a lot of little tasks around the house to do to prepare for his trip (he's going skiing tomorrow). Normally I would have gotten annoyed he was cutting into our quality time so much with chores, but instead I practiced my 180 and didn't get annoyed or nag. Instead I asked how I could help with his chores. He insisted I didn't need to, and I said I wanted to. When he didn't answer, I started folding the laundry and putting it away (one of the chores). Was a bit worried he'd get angry I did it even though he said not to but he was very thankful. And you know what? It felt nice to help.

Eventually we went geocaching and I had so much fun. We made each other laugh so much and it really did feel like old times. We were joking, he kept brushing against me and leaning on me to look at the geocache map over my shoulder, and when I finally found my first geocache and I got so excited I was jumping up and down in excitement and he kept hugging me. When we got home he was still pretty touchy.

His ex roommate spent the night (he was passing through the city on his way back from traveling), and I stayed up talking to them for a little while, which again felt like old times, like when the 3 of us used to hang out when H and i were dating and they lived together. And H kept slipping back into old habits and asking me stuff like 'how old am I?' (he's got a terrible memory and I always remembered stuff for him!)

I'm trying not to attach any expectations to any of this. It just felt nice. I've realised my LL is quality time (followed closely by physical touch) so I think my love tank's just topped up which feels nice. H was also touching a lot this a.m. when he came to wake me up. He hugged me 4 or 5 times in about a 20 minute period, between waking me up and going to work. He also brought me a coffee without asking.

For my bday he gave me tickets to a comedian I really like (the show is in 2 weeks), and said "you don't have to take me but I will come if you want, I really want to see the comedian too". I invited him. I'm really trying not to read into the fact that he bought tickets for a Wednesday night (Wednesdays were always our date night).

On a different note, last week or week before I had a panic because I was worried there might be an OW and I'm now ready to lay that to rest. I did a little bit of snooping (although I didn't have phone access) and panicking before deciding it wasn't good for my PMA and stopped. There have been some niggling doubts in the back of my mind, namely whether he really is going away skiing next week with his 2 guy friends. Well, last night he told his ex roommate all about his ski trip with the 2 friends. His ex roommate is also friends with the guys and they all went to college together, and he's in contact with them so I am pretty sure H wouldn't have lied to him about it.

[Complex]

Still trying to weigh my options on medication too.
I might give it a try I think. I don't know anything about it and I'm afraid it'll make me more foggy or feel like a zombie.
My therapist said working out/physical exercise is also a huge key to treat depression.

[susana4]

Tomorrow he leaves for his ski trip and he won't be back until a week from Saturday. I think it will be a week of NC so I will use the time to focus on DBing/GAL/myself but FIRST I want to give him something to think about for the week he's away and a good last impression.

I've been dressing up more recently and he's made comments about how beautiful I look.

So I am planning to wear a sexy new red dress tonight (thanks to the "Post-BD Diet" I look pretty d@mn good too, haha), and then I was thinking sexier pyjamas (not going too far, just a bit sexier than my normal ones) that he'll see when he comes to wake me up tomorrow a.m. so those can be the last thing he sees me in before his trip.

And of course, being really upbeat and happy and trying to make him laugh a little. Plus a 180 to sincerely wish him a good trip and be happy for him he's going on his trip (I genuinely am, but in the past I got upset when he planned these sorts of trips with his friends and didn't invite me).

Anything I'm missing?

[susana4]

It went well! He came home early-ish and as soon as he walked in just stopped and stared at me and went "wow, you look good!"

He then asked if he could have some dinner (I'd made some for myself after the cinema with a friend, it was one of his favourite dishes, a japanese green tea soba noodle dish, so I set a bit aside for him). He was so happy with the food and hugged me twice to thank me. I'd already eaten but he kind of asked me o sit with him while he ate so I did, and we had a nice chat. Made him laugh a few times.

Interesting thing came up during dinner... He brought up an argument he had with his best friend tonight, and mentioned he got really defensive but he wasn't sure why, because he friend wasn't having a go at him, but at his company. Then he said he realised he was getting defensive because of his fear of conflict and he mumbled something like "you were right" (fear of conflict came up as one of the reasons for DB).
I tried to validate the he!! out of him but looking back I wish I'd also mentioned I was proud of him for realising this. I really am!

Would it be too late to tell him tomorrow?

He asked if he could fix something on my phone (he noticed something broken and he works in IT) and then asked me to watch TV with him.

He gave me another hug, and a quick head massage (my favourite) to thank me for dinner, while we were watching TV.

He started out on the opposite side of the sofa but kept workinh his way closer and closer until eventually his head was nestled up against my arm. Not a full on cuddle, but still a lot more touching than usual!

Then we got ready for bed, and he came and said good night to me and gave me not one but three hugs good night.

So now on to my plan to wear sexier pyjamas. Will see what his reaction is tomorrow!

H announced that he will be coming home after work tomorrow to pack his bags (his original plan was to take his bags to the office and leave straight from there). I've got a call with my DB coach so I'll have to leave the house now.

Will try to use this to my advantage by getting all dolled up and then mysteriously leaving to "meet some friends" as soon as he walks in the door (if only he knew it was actually to call my DB coach, lol!).

[susana4]

Following on about potential OW: tonight when we were going to watch a TV show he asked me to get his laptop out of his bag and set up his computer while he took out the trash.

I accidentally opened his notifications (I swear it really was an accident!) which is where the iMessages come in, and there was nothing suspicious.

So between this and him telling his friend all about his upcoming trip, I am feeling much better, and less paranoid.

[susana4]

I need some help. I've been thinking a lot recently how I never apologised to H, and I don't know if I should.

I went straight from begging and blaming to never initiating R talks and trying to be upbeat all the time, once I discovered DBing.

It must have seemed really weird to H, actually! I spent a month pleading him to stay, and telling him the end of the M was all his fault, and he was just going to repeat the same mistakes over and over because he never tried to work on them, etc. etc. Lots of anger and blame. Then, I read DR while he was visiting his family for the week, and since he came back (that was the beginning of Jan):
-I haven't initiated any R talks, and we haven't had any
-We haven't had any arguments
-I haven't criticised him

*But* I also never apologised to him for any of my part in the problems, because I knew better than to initiate R talks. Nor have I ever said to him anything along the lines of "I don't agree with it but I understand your decision".

I know actions speak louder than words, but is it worth telling him sorry? It makes me a bit sad I never got a chance to. I don't want to get into an R talk though, because I know it's not productive or good for either of us...

[Tarheel]

I need some help. I've been thinking a lot recently how I never apologised to H, and I don't know if I should.

Do you think this 'need' to apologize has anything to do with impatience? Are you feeling like you need to do 'something'? I ask because in retrospect I often felt that 'need' as well- 'maybe she'll reconsider if I send this email/text??'

However, after saying that, I did send my W a short email a month or so after BD per suggestion of my IC. It was just a short apology and I thanked her for speaking up. That I was going to use our S as an opportunity to work on myself with the hopes that I'd be able to show her my changes at some point down the road. She responded positively.

[susana4]

I need some help. I've been thinking a lot recently how I never apologised to H, and I don't know if I should.

Do you think this 'need' to apologize has anything to do with impatience? Are you feeling like you need to do 'something'? I ask because in retrospect I often felt that 'need' as well- 'maybe she'll reconsider if I send this email/text??'

However, after saying that, I did send my W a short email a month or so after BD per suggestion of my IC. It was just a short apology and I thanked her for speaking up. That I was going to use our S as an opportunity to work on myself with the hopes that I'd be able to show her my changes at some point down the road. She responded positively.

I've been thinking about this and I don't really think it will make a difference to his decision. I suppose I don't want him to take what I said earlier to heart and blame himself completely (which he seemed to be doing - when I would tell him it was his fault he just agreed); so maybe I'm trying to control how he feels? In which case I shouldn't say anything.

I'm also really impressed with his level of introspection and am tempted to tell him that too. He's not naturally an introspective person but he's really looking at himself and making changes, and no matter what happens between us in the future I really do admire him for it.

I think I will sit on it for a bit and think next week while he's away and discuss with DB coach.

Tarheel, I saw that you sent your W an email asking her thoughts on how you hurt her/your issues so you could work on them; how did that go? I considered this conversation with H but haven't asked him, it 's just that he never really told me his reasons. He told me stuff he'd done wrong and took on a lot of blame himself but he didn't really lay out his complaints about my behaviour. It might hurt to hear but I also want to improve myself and it would help to have an honest evaluation.

[Squiggy]

susana, I just wanted to chime in here that it sounds like you are doing amazing in your progress! You have come so far in how you are handling things since your first thread. Keep up the good work you are doing.

[Tarheel]

Tarheel, I saw that you sent your W an email asking her thoughts on how you hurt her/your issues so you could work on them; how did that go? I considered this conversation with H but haven't asked him, it 's just that he never really told me his reasons. He told me stuff he'd done wrong and took on a lot of blame himself but he didn't really lay out his complaints about my behaviour. It might hurt to hear but I also want to improve myself and it would help to have an honest evaluation.

To no surprise, she hasn't responded. I recall a few mos after BD I asked the same thing of her and she never responded then either. I'm sure there have been other times I've asked these past 16 mos as well. My guess is that she's already communicated those things to me at some point and I was hearing her, but not 'listening' to her. It doesn't matter- I'm working on things I think I should be working on regardless if W and I are to reconcile. I want to work on things for my benefit, not hers.