This can't be the end! #2

[Barry]

Hi Mozza, Thanks for your response.

There's something missing in your story, something big. It's everything that happens before what you describe. You describe when the curve goes back up, but you're missing the "it gets worse before it gets better" part.

Agreed. I did miss this out but I am aware from reading many people's sitch's here that I'm in for a very rough ride before this gets any better (if it ever does) in terms of R. As an example, most people's signatures have some mention of an OP, be it either before BD or after. I'll be honest that right now, my W is not showing signs of wanting to R so chances are that an OM may appear at some point. This will still crush me at the moment as I'm not doing so good at detaching. I do know that from some of the success stories that it can be a necessary path for the WAS to tread. It may or may not last, and it's at worst, the end of our M with no hope, or at best a chance for her to see that the grass isn't greener, and realise what she's lost. I'm still unsure if this is a deal breaker for me, as I don't know how long I could see her with an OM and still want to R, that's a bridge i'll have to cross I suppose.
I am aware of it but do try not to dwell on it too much, it doesn't help my mental state.

She didnt ask about what I'd been up to.

From my observations around here and in my sitch, it's mostly because WAS are completely self-absorbed and have little regard for others.

Absolutly. This is the biggest change I've seen in my W. She has always been a kind and considerate wife/mother/person but she is currently only thinking of herself with no regard to the long term affects of all this on me, our children, and her too. After reading some other threads on here (as well as some research last year), I do think she is in a MLC but me pointing that out to her won't help the sitch at all. I was hoping that her friends and family may suggest it to her (maybe they have?). She's either unaware, or choosing to ignore the repurcussions of a short term problem or the long term future. Obviously a MLC is not the only reason for this happening, my own actions and attitude have also played a major part in things. I'm sure I read it on one of your early threads that "She is delivering a death sentance, when some community service would do". That's how this feels to me right now though.

I'm sorry Barry, I didn't mean to aggravate you.

I think I had the reaction because it pushes some of my buttons about communication. It left me with the impression that you were making a "covert contract" with the board: "if I tell you all is lost because of a text, you'll tell me I'm exaggerating". It was my reading of it, but not necessarily your intention.

Please don't apologise Mozza, no harm done.

As I read how you took my post, I suppose there may have been an element of the "covert contract" underlying my post. It wasn't a concious thing and I didn't see it at the time of writing but I think I probably DID want someone to tell me it was an exaggeration on her part to give me some feeling of hope where there appeared to be none.
I haven't got NMMNG yet but I will do as I do need to try and communicate in a more effective manner, both on this forum and certainly with my W. As I say, I don't conciously communicate badly, but more thought is needed I can see.

I don't need to convince everyone, to beat every detail to death. I need to let go. I wish I had done this more often in my M.

Can I get an Amen brother!! I need to do this NOW, and I also wish I would have done this more in my M.

I have read many other peoples threads here in an attempt to understand my own. Some of them help, some don't. I take the good stuff and leave the rest.

It's a healthy attitude. We're all ultimately responsible for our sitches.

I will continue with this attitude. No two sitch's are exactly the same (although there are some common similarities for sure). I do try to read as many as I can, and read them well to see if there are things in other people's that ARE relevant to my sitch, but which I have been blind to before. I try to make notes as I go of things to think about in more detail later...it's a long list!
Regarding any advice offered, I have to remember that people are seeing only my side of the story (I'm sure I play down my faults at times) and ultimatly, the advice is offered freely by people who have been through (in cases) far worse than I and lived to tell the tale. I need to listen more and not get defensive about things which touch a nerve. Most of the advice is key to my survival as a person and a good deal of it is at the very least making me think about how to deal with my W in the future, whether or not we R.

GAL activities this weekend..

Meet D15 and her new boyfriend for coffee.
Shop for some new clothes.
Meet up with a friend for a meal.
Spin Cycling class.
Finish reading DB!

Barry.