This can't be the end! #2

[Mozza]

Hello Barry,

Thanks for the update on your sitch. I'll reiterate that I'm not a vet, I haven't succeeded at R ever, and just got here in October. Anything I say is to help you think, at best.

Mozza, if I could just answer one of your questions above "What are the steps I see on the path to R". No, I don't expect there to be an easy fix to this. We've been through a sitch like this before (to a lesser extent admittedly) and although the underlying issues were obviously not addressed correctly, I do know it's hard work. I would say that over the next "X" months, we would need to get to know each other again, as the people we've become. That's of course after we both figure out who we are for ourselves!! I'm sure there'll be lots of small steps to take before any talk of R, or "dating" can take place, and there'll have to be some very honest talk of each other's boundries. Maybe we won't/can't accept each other's, maybe we can...I don't know at this stage.

There's something missing in your story, something big. I'm tempted to let you think about it, but I'll say it: it's everything that happens before what you describe. You describe when the curve goes back up, but you're missing the "it gets worse before it gets better" part. I was trying, with my question, to make you realize that your sitch will go through some very difficult times, especially for you. Look around these boards and look at the success stories. Once you realize that, you might be calmer about what you're about to experience, knowing it's a normal phase of a longer process.

She didnt ask about what I'd been up to.

From my observations around here and in my sitch, it's mostly because WAS are completely self-absorbed and have little regard for others.

As I did also post later about my "venting my sadness" comment, it was more me trying to say "sorry if I'm depressing people". This has been said to me before.

To clarify: we're all full of empathy and if we feel sad, it can be because of a turn of events but never because you're sharing your sadness. Will all do, in large quantities. In fact, it's recommended to do it here rather than elsewhere.

I just found that the sarcasm in the above post almost nullified the sound advice given if I'm being honest. If I wanted to sift through sarcasm to get to the real message, I'd talk with my W!!

I'm sorry Barry, I didn't mean to aggravate you. I've had a bad week apparently because I've offended another poster and had to apologize over there. I need to keep my own attitude in check.

I think I had the reaction because it pushes some of my buttons about communication. It left me with the impression that you were making a "covert contract" with the board: "if I tell you all is lost because of a text, you'll tell me I'm exaggerating". It was my reading of it, but not necessarily your intention. But again, I really think reading "Nor More Mr. Nice Guy" will give you some good insights. I hope you can get to it real soon.

As for Mozza in particular, I bear no grudges or ill will to him and I really do hope he continues to follow my sitch and post his helpful feedback. I've actually read all of his threads in the last couple of days.

I'm honored that you read all of my sitch and seem to know the details of some parts. I'll agree that it's a rich thread, with the advice of many vets and newcomers of quality. I've benefited tremendously from it and would be in a very different place today without it.

I did note that in Mozza 4, he also had some feedback regarding one of his posts that got what I felt was an unnecessary amount of negative comments back. By the end of the string, Mozza too had said he didn't want to talk about it any more. It seemed that people had picked up on a negative part of his post and wanted to keep bashing him about it no matter what reasoning he then tried to give for it.

Yes, this is something I've learnt about myself since BD and that I've taken out of this particular exchange: I don't need to convince everyone, to beat every detail to death. I need to let go. I wish I had done this more often in my M.

I have read many other peoples threads here in an attempt to understand my own. Some of them help, some don't. I take the good stuff and leave the rest.

It's a healthy attitude. We're all ultimately responsible for our sitches. We don't owe each other to obey the advice or agree with the analysis. I don't take any offense when people reject my advice. In fact, I'd be more worried by someone who does everything that I suggest because I don't want this level of responsibility.