Sadie - Hot and Cold

[Sadie13]

I'm back again. Wanted to talk about my suspicions regarding H's possible EA and maybe eventual PA. I try not to overthink things but sometimes I do...maybe you guys can help me sort out what's true and what's not.

--To recap from above, over the course of our marriage, we had open access to accounts and phones. I have personally seen text messages to youngish women along the lines of "you're beautiful" "I love your eyes/smile/whatever" "come visit me" etc. Maybe with 5-6 different women, possibly more. With one of them, she asked about me (having met me) and H replied that I was"just a girlfriend and wouldn't be around much longer." With another, she also knew about me; H said at one point he was going to visit her, and for her to "not get a boyfriend until he got there." I walked in the room at that point and they both joked about having to go because I just got home. I always confronted him when I saw these messages. He always said it was nothing. I hate fighting, so I stupidly let it go. It got much worse after my A came to light. He started doing what I call "fishing"...for attention, for interest...from these girls.

--Not at all an excuse for my behavior, but knowing this wore me down so much...I felt so unwanted, I looked elsewhere. My choice, my fault of course. I was stupid. After finding out about my PA, H changed all his passwords and locked down his phone, supposedly so I wouldn't go through his things and delete evidence of my affair. He was (and still is) planning to D. This was 2.5 years ago.

--Even though he changed them, I know him well enough to guess most of his passwords. I did not snoop though until the last 6 moths or so...when he started being really cagey with his phone. Always turning the screen away from me to text or Facebook. Or clicking the screen off when I come into the room. He took his phone everywhere, even to the bathroom when he showered. He was behaving like I had behaved when I was having an A.

--Snooping turned up no hard evidence. He uses apps like What'sApp, Viber, Tinder, MagicJack, etc, so nothing shows up on the phone bill. And he spends most of his time with me anyway so I am relatively sure there is nothing physical going on...but I think he has someone in particular in mind and that's who he wants to go visit in another country on his birthday. He recently changed the password to one of his other emails that is supposed to be for business. I found out it is tied to his new "secret" instagram account...which consists of 10 pictures of him with his toys, most of which I took for him, and exactly one follower - the girl from the above paragraphs whom he told that I was just a girlfriend.

--In his email I found a few voice messages...he had emailed to himself in Nov. 2014. Right around the time he found out one of his former crushes/EA women was pregnant from another man. I didn't recognize the voice, but it sounded very young...and she spoke about some things that indicate she was likely finishing up college this year. She said that she was sad they couldn't even call and say goodnight to each other...and that she understood his life was so hard right now (he may or may not have told her about the current M situation). And then she goes on to speak about this fantasy life "they" were going to have and the places they were going to take "their" children...it broke my heart listening to that.

--I have two theories: one, this is the girl he is focused on and wants to do something with. Two, it could be older messages from the girl who is pregnant now...how old, I couldn't say...but it would fit his personality and the timeline...I can see him clearing out the text messages from her but wanting to save a few voice messages for sentimental reasons. I just don't know what is true and what is not.

--As of now, his phone is still locked. I have a guess as to the code, but he never leaves the phone long enough for me to have a chance to see. Even when he leaves the room to get something he will either take the phone or keep peeking his head back in the room to make sure I "don't mess with his stuff."

So am I crazy? Is he crazy? Is he trying to make me crazy? I just don't know anymore.