Seperated and she is with someone - I'm desperate

[vdubber]

Got invited to go bowling (or rather to watch and heckle) tonight by a bunch of Co workers who are in a bowling league. I didn't have any GAL plans so I think I will go. I'm having a hard time today and can't stop myself from recalling things she has said to me over the past couple months...even longer. I've gotten the "I want you to find someone you can love"...even the "and i hope I could be friends with her"...really..who could ever think that?

Just so many emotions right now and believe it or not I'm way better than I was a week ago...just thought and feelings make me sad then angry then sad and dissapointed again. The reality of where I am and why I am where I am I think I've accepted. I'm angry and hurt by it but I want to fix this. I always envisioned us growing old together...holding hands, walking arm in arm. I still have those hopes and dreams. I know this sounds bad but last time I saw my IC I told her i felt guilty saying it but it's almost like I wish she would have a big health scare ore some type of event occur that would make her realize I'm here for her and would take care of her forever. It's not that I want her to get sick or anything...just that I want her to open her eyes and realize im the one and always have been...that at the end of our days we just want to know we are loved...to look into their eyes and squeeze their hand one last time.