uR- Thank you. "You took a chance. You honored your relationship." You are right with that. I did. Sometimes I would think about how it would be easier to not deal with it at all. But, I thought it was worth it. I do value my family and my husband (what was my husband). I would walk through hell and kick the devil's @ss to save my family. That's why I put myself out there.
But, when it comes to a r, there can't just be one. Since I've got a runner, good ol' Forest.... well, he's gone. And ain't nuttin' I can do 'bout dat.
Hey, LT. You know, I was thinking along those lines. I have got to make it just right to be significant.
I can tell you, I know, for sure, that I do not want any type of r with that guy. Nothing. I went for months without talking to him, and it was the best thing for me. I know, for a fact, that I cannot have him in my life if he is with her. It is way too toxic.
And this guy who his is- I don't like. Not at all. My h is dead. The devil is residing in his shell. I don't play with that. I hope, he is able to come back around, someday. For him. For his kids.
And, truthfully, I think I have been kidding myself about some things. And now, I have to face some hard facts. Things I was trying to hide from myself.
I didn't play myself after the nuke. Not really. My instincts about h were pretty accurate. But, he wasn't always h. In fact, he usually wasn't h. Because of the distance, or lack of communication, I'm not sure how much he was h and how much he was xh. But, I kept my distance, and it was good for me.
But, I think before nuke, I was definitely playing myself. I believed things and was a sucker. I went for a ride for a few months. Then got off... then got nuked.
I am sure I played myself now, too. I was just about to give a recent example. But, I don't want to, bc I don't even like to go there anymore. It exerts too much of my energy on cr@p. But, the point is, hope is killing me. Not saying being hopeful is bad. But I think you have to be hopeful for yourself and your future. Hope for a r with (my)h, aka, the dead one, was killing me! I was dying (not just him!) I was moving... but was if forward? More like sideways? Diagonal? I don't know.
I can't be hopeful for anything with that. It sounds morbidish.. but it is killing me. I need to let it go. The hope. I promise, that not to freak anyone out. Others can have it. It may be great for them. It isn't so much for me. I don't think I use it correctly.
When I get my hopes up, it results in a harder crash. So. I guess I will be hopeful for me. And me alone. Well... of course along with my kids! I can't include anyone or anything on my journey. Can't count on it.
I know this sounds like a negative post, but I really don't mean it to be. I just need to retrain my thinking. To protect myself. To focus on myself. To get going. To find happiness- in me again.
OK, I will give one example. I mentioned that I sent xh an email yesterday. I did it for me. I did not have any expectations from that. Truly.
But, I did wonder if my silence (outside of the email) would play a role. Since we have been speaking again, and losing that, I guess... maybe somewhere... there was a thought that he would notice it. Especially since he did before. So I did look the this morning and yesterday morning (2x4) and saw he did not stay at hww's. I did think, perhaps, he was thinking bout things. BUT DUH!!!!!! I'm and IDIOT for thinking like that! THATS the stuff that is KILLING ME!
For the first time, I was like, hey, Might, get a grip! I looked my undercover expectation in the face and realized it was a joke. And I had a thought to trump my expectation. I thought about a person, a mutually close person, who probably said to xh- hey dummy, you are killing Mighty by doing that in her face. Get a grip! So, maybe he stopped for two days. So what. Could be totally inaccurate and probably is. But, it was a realization that I can't do that stinkin' thinkin'!
Ok.... on more thing. Something that was really bothering me about the false reconciliation. It was a very emotional time. So, I was not so pretty all the time. It bothers me that that's probably what he will remember me by. What sent him running (among other things). All the great memories he said he missed and he thought about while he was gone... are probably now going to be pushed to the wayside. Now he will probably remember crazy.
But, it was a short period of time. Maybe that will pass. I mean, he seemed to forget all the crazy hww was showing- like when she told him she hopes he dies in a car accident. All that good and loving stuff.
Ah well.... the story of me. Well.. 2B... sorry. I feel like a let down. A disappointment. I'm kind of making it about me, but.... it's not so pretty! Pretty as in... seeing the sunset- on a garbage dump.
