I am so angry. I am having a moment. My day was fine. But, inside I am screaming. I am better focused on things than in the past, and I can carry on just fine. People probably have no idea that I have internal nuclear-type damage. It is all physical. I have aged so much the past year. That makes me angry. Especially since I was left for a 20 something.
My stomach is in knots. My heart is strained. It is taking such a tool on my body. I felt like this for an entire year. It was one thing after another. I was finally getting better.
Now its back. This incessant turmoil inside. I just dont know. This is the worst feeling. It will not go away.
How do I get rid of this awfulness. I am not a negative, debbie-downer, but I just can't shake this. I just can't feel good or happy. I feel tormented by everything. Ugh.
I am so angry that I just don't know what to do. I just dropped d13 off. And my stupid mind... I couldn't even drive right home. I started yelling like a maniac in the car. Screaming like a freak-show. Tears were streaming down my face- from anger. My throat even hurts. I am so pi$$ed.
I just don't want anything. I can be around my kids and I am OK. But I don't want to talk to anyone else. I don't want to hear anything. I don't want to be anywhere.
I just want to make this stop and I can't seem to. Was it expectations. Yeah, a lot of it. I had some. But I think also, dealing with the baby and everything that was happening so fast. On top of that, working through accepting everything that happened over the past two months. The birth and everything. It was hard. I was trying to be supportive. I was dealing with this stuff. With him. To be with him. Not as an alone person, away from him, where I could have just said, skrew you. I was working through some major emotions. And he did this to me. Again. When I put myself out there. And he bailed on me. Went behind my back. The guy who decided he was focusing on kids and not a r, went and start a r.
See, maybe I didn't expect that it would totally work out in the end. But I did not expect him to go back there- especially the way it went down. Duh. I mean, I kept thinking that his actions were just like last year. DUH! I will never be caught like that again. NEVER!
I know the guy I loved is dead. I need to find a way to bury him.
