Life 2.0 Pt 4

[NH115]

Reading the last two pages of your thread last night really hit me between the eyes. It's weird. Like, I can almost empathize with your W; I used to talk things to death, too. And I wanted to get everything out. And I wanted to blame H. I wanted to punish him. I wanted him to see (and, I'm ashamed now to admit, "fix") my hurt.

But HE was the one who cheated on ME. Hellllooo?

So, I'm in YOUR brain, too! Like, when you mentioned "groveling," I knew EXACTLY what you meant!

I didn't have to endure my H going through a "withdrawal period," and - especially after reading the challenges you're facing - thank God I didn't. What you're going through right now must be taking astronomical amounts of strength and restraint ... and gallons of Wonka's STFU juice. I don't know how *anyone* who has been cheated on could maintain their cool while their formerly-cheating spouse throws FU-bombs in their face and talks about how great OM/OW made her/him feel, ESPECIALLY when you're both supposed to be working on repairing things.

I know nothing I said is "helping" you; sandi's got that in the bag. And I agree with her entire post above.

From what I'm reading, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you don't talk to W, she says you don't care. If you do talk to W, she can't respect a boundary of no-OM talks. If you do listen to her talk about OM, it sets off your anger (and rightfully so). If you don't talk about OM, you're accused of "not discussing the issues." Dude. That's an impossible position for you to be in. sandi is right: SOMETHING has got to be done.

"Damned if you do and damned if you don't" summarizes it perfectly. She expects me to drop everything and get into an R discussion whenever she's in a bad frame of mind. If I don't (even if it's an outside reason, like I have to actually do work while I'm on the clock),then I don't care and I'm abandoning her. If I do, then I get treated to no boundaries and spew. I should add that this extends to her friends as well. She's angry because none of her friends are "there" for her. I suspect that it's because none of them will cheerlead her fantasy about OM. She wants them to be there for her, but she doesn't want them to express negative opinions about her behavior.

Overarching this is her mindset (she will deny this) that I should just bend over and take whatever I get from her because of my mistakes and failures in the past. As I've said before, she will pay lip service to her contributions to the state of our marriage, but when we get into the nitty-gritty of an R discussion, everything is basically my fault.

It seems to me that your first course of action is to figure out, in your own mind, what you can tolerate and what you can't ... and what your reconciliation-efforts can tolerate and what they can't. Talk to MC about it and include EXACTLY what your boundaries will be. Tell W, in front of the MC, that you will listen to her but that if she starts to talk about OM and how great he made her feel, you WILL walk away for a time-out and that it DOES NOT mean you don't care for her or the future of your relationship ... and it DOES NOT mean you're abandoning her. In fact, it's quite the contrary. That "time-out" - recommended by your MC - is meant to HELP the future of your relationship by keeping you from doing or saying something you will regret. I'd get that all out on the table in front of your W and MC.

Forgive me if this comes across as enabling your anger (trying to avoid that is why I couldn't get much more out of my fingertips in last night's post than I did), but: There is NO WAY IN HELL that I would stand there and let my formerly-wayward, cheating spouse rub my nose in his/her AP's sh!t. No way. No how. That needs to stop. Your W is in control of that. But YOU are in control of whether you'll sit there and listen to it. Fear be d@mned, and what your W says about you "not caring" be d@mned. Walk away.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm still terrified of losing her. It's wrong. It's pathetic. I know it shows up in my anger and defensiveness when I deal with her. She's all I've known my entire adult life and I'm dreading the idea of life without her. I forget that there are times in our marriage where I was almost the WAS.

There. I said it.

I hadn't always felt that way. I've even had days where I almost pulled the trigger myself. I had been able to drop the rope for a while, but then she does or says something that reminds me why I married her. I know I'm not unusual in feeling this way. It even depends on the day. After an insanely hot Latina co-worker flirted with me in the break room the other day, I went home ready for anything W could dish out. The next day, I was back to needy. I know intellectually that I would be fine either way, but I don't want to test that theory. Today I feel on top of the world. Two days ago I didn't. How do I get back on that horse, consistently? I can feel my man card shriveling up in my wallet just typing this. This is why I've had such a hard time enforcing boundaries.

The MC has told her directly that I am not who she should be going to about OM. Not that she listens. She gets in one of her panic states and all she can see is her own pain. No logic, no conscience, no respect for anyone else's feelings, especially mine (seeing as how I caused all our problems). I will say that the time-out does help because I'm able to walk away in a controlled manner, without sending the message that I'm giving up.