So I am divorced.

[mahhhty]

Thanks All.

Lost & NewB3... I think you are definitely right. Make it private and take that issue out. Therefore, I won't have to deal with it. Matter of fact I will do that right now... DONE. I think I did it right.

Squiggy... I need more time to redefine my 180s and my plan. But I am thinking about it consistently.

Had a thought provoking IC session today. We talked about the letter. IC believes it was good I didn't send it, he also believes that it is an analysis of our situation and not how I feel in my heart. I would have to agree with him. I told him that I don't know how to tell her what is in my heart. He then asked me, what is in there... I said I miss her, I do love her unconditionally, that I am proud that in a time she didn't have a voice, she found one and was very brave, and how although she was brave I do believe she was wrong (meaning we had something that we should have fought for it instead of divorce). He was of the opinion that a time and a place will occur in which I will have an opportunity to tell her that. That time is not now, as it is still too early.

Talked about a conversation I had with my sister. My sister told me last weekend that my default position in decisions is whatever will make the people I am around happiest. AKA I go out of my way to make other happy, regardless of if I am happy or not. He asked me if this is true, and I said definitely. We then discussed the times I have done that with the STBX during this process. He said she may think your kindness is a weakness and will then come to expect that level of leeway.

Next was me... in the past couple months I have gone almost 30 days w/out a drink (before the hike), worked out almost 30 times in 50 days (before the hike), I am also close to a 6 pack which is something I always wanted but never had, worked hard on my startup which is my passion, started saying no to work travel, and most importantly I have a better relationship with both of my kids! We started talking about all that. Perhaps none of that was possible without this. It wasn't until I felt complete loss that I was able to make significant life changes. That is an astonishing concept. My challenge is to keep it going and moving forward in the face of adversity.

Lastly, we talked about her. I told him that I feel like I am still mulling over the same issues. I don't know if she told me the complete picture to our divorce, I don't know at what point she made the decision to leave me, or at what point she was really unhappy or why. These have been my issues since day 1. He reiterated that I may not ever know. Perhaps it isn't for me to know. I have to accept that. He asked me if I wanted to talk to her or listen to her. I definitely want to listen, to hear her side unedited. However, I am an engineer and being me, I am afraid that I would try to "fix" or "discuss the solutions," instead of truly listening. That is definitely one of my 180s.

Regardless, the take away from today was... even though I am mulling over the same issues, positive change has happened. At times, I want instantaneous change, but this is not a sprint. It is a marathon.

My challenge is to ensure that it continues. To ensure that I am always moving in the positive direction and making my time on this planet worthwhile!