Life 2.0 Pt 4

[Train]

Reading the last two pages of your thread last night really hit me between the eyes. It's weird. Like, I can almost empathize with your W; I used to talk things to death, too. And I wanted to get everything out. And I wanted to blame H. I wanted to punish him. I wanted him to see (and, I'm ashamed now to admit, "fix") my hurt.

But HE was the one who cheated on ME. Hellllooo?

So, I'm in YOUR brain, too! Like, when you mentioned "groveling," I knew EXACTLY what you meant!

I didn't have to endure my H going through a "withdrawal period," and - especially after reading the challenges you're facing - thank God I didn't. What you're going through right now must be taking astronomical amounts of strength and restraint ... and gallons of Wonka's STFU juice. I don't know how *anyone* who has been cheated on could maintain their cool while their formerly-cheating spouse throws FU-bombs in their face and talks about how great OM/OW made her/him feel, ESPECIALLY when you're both supposed to be working on repairing things.

I know nothing I said is "helping" you; sandi's got that in the bag. And I agree with her entire post above.

From what I'm reading, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you don't talk to W, she says you don't care. If you do talk to W, she can't respect a boundary of no-OM talks. If you do listen to her talk about OM, it sets off your anger (and rightfully so). If you don't talk about OM, you're accused of "not discussing the issues." Dude. That's an impossible position for you to be in. sandi is right: SOMETHING has got to be done.

My H and I agreed that we would try to stick to talking about what happened that led to the affair. He doesn't talk about OW specifically; only about how good she made him feel about himself. And I've been able, when H talks and I ask questions, to keep our conversation geared toward that. (I have had plenty of moments of blowing my lid, too, btw.) But again, his A was strictly physical, so I'm kinda comparing apples to oranges when I look at your sitch and mine.

It seems to me that your first course of action is to figure out, in your own mind, what you can tolerate and what you can't ... and what your reconciliation-efforts can tolerate and what they can't. Talk to MC about it and include EXACTLY what your boundaries will be. Tell W, in front of the MC, that you will listen to her but that if she starts to talk about OM and how great he made her feel, you WILL walk away for a time-out and that it DOES NOT mean you don't care for her or the future of your relationship ... and it DOES NOT mean you're abandoning her. In fact, it's quite the contrary. That "time-out" - recommended by your MC - is meant to HELP the future of your relationship by keeping you from doing or saying something you will regret. I'd get that all out on the table in front of your W and MC.

Forgive me if this comes across as enabling your anger (trying to avoid that is why I couldn't get much more out of my fingertips in last night's post than I did), but: There is NO WAY IN HELL that I would stand there and let my formerly-wayward, cheating spouse rub my nose in his/her AP's sh!t. No way. No how. That needs to stop. Your W is in control of that. But YOU are in control of whether you'll sit there and listen to it. Fear be d@mned, and what your W says about you "not caring" be d@mned. Walk away.