Susana (2) - Learning to detach

[susana4]

I'm feeling a lot more positive today, like some of the cloud from earlier this week has lifted.

Last week I think I may have taken things too far in terms of being friendly but distant, and H accused me of being 'mean'. Not sure if that was related to me being distant, or his own issues, but this week I've made an effort to be friendlier.

Might get some 2x4s for this, but earlier this week I asked H if he wanted to go geocaching at some point. It may seem a bit pursuing but I also wasn't that invested in it so I didn't really mind whether he said yes or no. It wasn't too date-like and it felt right. He said yes and he seemed genuinely excited - he kept bringing it up over the course of the week.

We agreed to go last night but first he had a lot of little tasks around the house to do to prepare for his trip (he's going skiing tomorrow). Normally I would have gotten annoyed he was cutting into our quality time so much with chores, but instead I practiced my 180 and didn't get annoyed or nag. Instead I asked how I could help with his chores. He insisted I didn't need to, and I said I wanted to. When he didn't answer, I started folding the laundry and putting it away (one of the chores). Was a bit worried he'd get angry I did it even though he said not to but he was very thankful. And you know what? It felt nice to help.

Eventually we went geocaching and I had so much fun. We made each other laugh so much and it really did feel like old times. We were joking, he kept brushing against me and leaning on me to look at the geocache map over my shoulder, and when I finally found my first geocache and I got so excited I was jumping up and down in excitement and he kept hugging me. When we got home he was still pretty touchy.

His ex roommate spent the night (he was passing through the city on his way back from traveling), and I stayed up talking to them for a little while, which again felt like old times, like when the 3 of us used to hang out when H and i were dating and they lived together. And H kept slipping back into old habits and asking me stuff like 'how old am I?' (he's got a terrible memory and I always remembered stuff for him!)

I'm trying not to attach any expectations to any of this. It just felt nice. I've realised my LL is quality time (followed closely by physical touch) so I think my love tank's just topped up which feels nice. H was also touching a lot this a.m. when he came to wake me up. He hugged me 4 or 5 times in about a 20 minute period, between waking me up and going to work. He also brought me a coffee without asking.

For my bday he gave me tickets to a comedian I really like (the show is in 2 weeks), and said "you don't have to take me but I will come if you want, I really want to see the comedian too". I invited him. I'm really trying not to read into the fact that he bought tickets for a Wednesday night (Wednesdays were always our date night).

On a different note, last week or week before I had a panic because I was worried there might be an OW and I'm now ready to lay that to rest. I did a little bit of snooping (although I didn't have phone access) and panicking before deciding it wasn't good for my PMA and stopped. There have been some niggling doubts in the back of my mind, namely whether he really is going away skiing next week with his 2 guy friends. Well, last night he told his ex roommate all about his ski trip with the 2 friends. His ex roommate is also friends with the guys and they all went to college together, and he's in contact with them so I am pretty sure H wouldn't have lied to him about it.