Life 2.0 Pt 4

[Squiggy]

Rzr, your post made me smile. That is exactly what I'm talking about in terms of starting to manage your anger in the moment. Now, take what your IC suggested and start using it on your own prior to getting to the point of needing a time out from the conversation. If you start to feel any of those sensations happening, recognize them, and do something different, such as taking some deep breaths, pointing out that you are getting X emotion, or take the initiative to say you need a set amount of time to cool off. YOU take the lead, and normally the other person will respond in kind.

That's an interesting way to describe anger. I always thought of it as an emotion, but you're right. There's definitely all those other emotions that you named under it for me.

Good that you see this. It might help for you to write down what some of the most common ones are, whether it is here or on paper, and begin to address where they come from. That way you are able to start challenging/doing something about them.

What the hell is she doing to change?" I do like the way you put it; that we're "leading the way". When I can think of it that way, I feel more in charge; I know that a feeling of helplessness is one of my anger triggers. I don't feel in control of my fate, so I lash out.

Ok, so for this one, that is an absolutely valid question to ask. You have been doing most of the heavy lifting, and look at where it has brought YOU. YOU are in control of YOUR fate, not her's, not the marriage's. Remember, DBing is for your first, then M later. By learning to better manage your anger, you will become a better man. By becoming a better man, someone, whether it is your W or someone else, will benefit from it. You will feel more at peace with yourself, and that is what attracts people to you.

As for her change, think about this. Do you really want to continue in an R when the two of you argue in this way? Now, I'm not saying to quit by any means, and let me validate that. Regarding my current sitch, I would not take my W back at the moment. I don't see the work she has done towards reconciling. If I jumped headfirst at the first opportunity, we would not have solved anything that led us to where we are currently, and it would be just another band-aid. However, I do want her back. Your W has work to do as well, and by your actions of learning to control you anger in some of the most difficult moments will show her that things can be different. She will notice.