Was the past 18 years just a waste?

[June315]

So my H disappeared for the whole night. He called me around 2 pm said he's going to work and texted me around 8 asked if i'm OK. Then that's it. Never came home and turned off his phone.

First, I don't really know if he is working because he only does per diem jobs. The the biggie is that he has a substance abuse issue that I think partly it's from his depression. But of course, he never admits to it and never really receives any treatment. He did stop cocaine about 8 years ago but there is still marijuana, and more recently Oxy. Of course, he says it's for pain.

Since he stopped cocaine, he had never disappeared the whole night again. He had tried to keep in touch with me when he is out and called me back when I called him. I go into panic mode when I can't find him or reach him on the phone. That bothers him because he said I should have trusted him by now.

So now I'm not sure if his disappearance is related to drugs, OW, or just because he gets a kick of out hurting me.