OK, so the support here is unbelievably overwhelming. Your words are amazing an true. And, oddly enough, I hear them more clearly. I know that seems weird, because I have always valued the advice here. That's why I come. But, now, I guess I just get it. Like, I'm absorbing in in my whole body or something. Without doubt or denial. Reservations or excuses. Things that may have been playing an undercover role in me. Maybe undercover to me, but no one else.
Xh jumped in and he jumped in hard. When he came back, I had to keep putting the breaks on. Right away he was talking about moving back in. Selling the house and getting a different one. Looking at family vacations. Doing things and changing things around the house. Talking about our future like it was a for sure thing. All of our old plans were being revived. It was crazy. I was a little taken back. I would try to slow it down. I was hesitant. And, would tell him he needed time alone and he should get an apartment. Yet, it gave me hope. I believed he was in. That I could count on him. I am sure I became messy. I think in a way, I wanted him to hurt. And I think I wanted to show him my hurt so he could repair it for me (terribly, I know- just want others to learn. I didn't even know that was happening). He couldn't do that. Obviously. So, I probably blew it. But, I think I did some things right, too. Took things slowly (comparatively to him). I was very supportive. I was accepting. I think I handled the baby sitch well. Whatever... honestly... it is too painful to look back at it. I really feel like I screwed up. I mean, I know he is super messed up, but I wonder if I had handled things differently.....
But, really, a fair shot wasn't even given. At all. Puke. The whole thing is so dumb.
So, it appears as he jumped just as quickly with hww. He went fast and furious. I didn't have a second to prepare myself. It happened right in front of me and I didn't even see it.
But anyway... moving on. My feelings are different this time around. The betrayal... him... not her. We all know her. Who and what she is. I expect nothing less. I don't even care an ounce about her (unless it comes to my kids).
Do I like who he is now and who he is becoming? Nope. Not at all.
I just don't have the energy for any of that mess anymore. I have to grieve the loss. Things that get me are the fact that, now, i know that it is forever done. That I won't have my husband again. That we won't spend evenings together. No holidays, no sharing a bed, no laughing together, no kids events together, no vacations, no coffee or wine, no nights out, no nights in, no more working together, no more sharing the day, no support during hard times... my husband is gone. And I had him within my grasp.... or so I thought.
And the rejection again is difficult. A little deeper because he is choosing her over me again. Like he was right in leaving the first time. I thought he was unhappy with her, I felt it, and he said he was, and he knew I knew. But, he went back to that, over me. That's tough.
But, I am more resilient this go around. I am ok. I will be OK. I am not looking forward to getting out there... like ever... for someone else. I am lonely, and don't want to go it alone anymore, but I don't want to be with anyone either. I know, so complex, I am.
I mean, seriously. What a freaking disaster this guy is. This put-together, intelligent guy is a calamity. I will stay far away from that.
I did not respond to the text last night. It was just a dumb thing that means nothing. Just like he said, "I know this means nothing to you..." Uh- right. It doesn't.
However, today I emailed him. I just had to put it all out there. In the past, I didn't send it. I kept my feelings all in the past year. This time, I just had to release it. It wasn't for him. It was totally for me. And it felt good. But I am done. I said what I needed to say.
Tonight he texted me and asked when he has to pick up d13. I responded a little while later. "I am not sure. I just dropped her off. You will have to communicate with her about this. I am no longer doing this."
And he actually responded, "OK. I think its at 7."
Yeah, OK, buddy. Whatever.
He can go do whatever he needs to do. I'm not sweating it. I have down times where I know I will feel the sadness. I will get angry. But i am not letting him ruin any more days.
So, I guess overall, I'm OK. You guys are amazing. I'm OK. I will get there.
