This kid though... I just can't get close to her. I can't break into her head and figure out what is going on. It seems no one can so I really am pinning my hopes that testing really helps us out because I am at the very end of my rope with all of this with D7.
FWIW... I have struggled with that with my D11 too. And STBX also threatened her with boarding school -- but she doesn't take him seriously. But I have found that sometimes just sitting quietly with her, rubbing her back and letting her know I'm there without saying anything, really, really calms her. Mothers and daughters have notoriously challenging relationships inherently. So anything that dials back those difficulties is a good thing.
With S9 too, I've been watching myself through his eyes. And I find that the more he expects to be scolded or to feel that he's disappointing me, the tenser and less able he becomes. When I'm gentler and more empowering (like yesterday) he calms down a lot and becomes a lot more capable.
STBX evaluates how well they do anything by how well their peers do anything. So if, while he was still at home, I said "D11 did a great job on her piano piece today," he would immediately pump her with questions like, how well did your classmates do? Is your piece harder than their piece? How much faster did you learn it than them? That sort of thing. If I asked him just to ask her to demonstrate, her praise her for what she did, or, God forbid, just flat out be interested that she COULD play a piece that was enjoyable to listen to, he accused me of not letting him parenting his way.
(As far as the marriage part of that goes, it would have been more effective if we had come to that sort of strategy together; that would have shown partnership and mutual support. Too bad that didn't work out -- but I don't take ALL the blame for that. Just some of it.)
Anyway, I'm not trying to suggest that calming down and backing off are silver bullets in your situation, but the natural tension that any child feels under those circumstances is going to heighten your D's difficulties, so take it for what it's worth. It's hard to parent such a sharp cookie.
So you should know and hear: You are a great mom. You are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. And you are doing very well -- even your D says so. Believe it. She's your harshest critic (except yourself).
Last edited by Maybell; 02/05/1501:55 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
